Well it's been a while hasn't it?! I took a lot of time off from ttc, of course it is always in the back of your mind whether you're currently trying or on a break! It's something you never really forget about. DH and I celebrated out 1 year wedding anniversary on October 6th, it was a blast. We got a hotel and went to a horror movie convention that weekend (yeah we are addicted to horror movies lol!) Part of me obviously wanted to conceive that weekend, I don't think I really thought about it, but it was subconscious I'm sure.
I have not seen AF in so long I have forgotten what she's like lol. I hate that because I really do nothing to keep track of my cycle, or whether or not I ovulate. That was part of my giving up, or more positively"taking a break". The only thing i have been doing still is my multivitamins, but as far as dhea or any other supplement, i stopped taking them. And i haven't gone to the RE I was told to try by a friend. I really did just give up trying to increase my odds.
recently i had a yeast infection (tmi I'm sure!), every woman knows how bad those are! Ugh! It just took so long to get rid of, I've never had one like that before. I feel like it was some other issue, but eventually it went away so i never went to get it checked out. I'm just tired of having issues with my lady bits. It's so much easier to just ignore it lol! I am honestly blaming a lot of this on stress. I had started a new job and then i ended up quitting it within 3 months...it was just awful. My grandma passed away in August of ovarian cancer, and this job was so unwilling to work with me. So i was jobless and very stressed about money and life in general. I did start a new job recently tho! Everything has worked out with that luckily.
so yeah, with my luck picking up a little, ttc has popped back up for me. But DH is not really on board. I believe it is mostly because he remembers how miserable i was when we were trying strongly. Even tho he was not pumped about the idea, i started doing some more research. I settled on trying Vitex, or known as chaste berry to some. I have a woman at my new job that is suffering from pof as well and she started taking it two months ago and it brought back her monthly visits from AF! So, i ordered a tincture, and started today. I know it takes time, but i am hopeful! I am not thinking it will get me pregnant, nothing ever will most likely, but i really want AF back, and i want to at least lower my fsh and I've read a ton about vitex helping that! I wonder if anyone has had a crazy success story using thus herbal remedy? I've read a lot of studies and such, but real life stories are what i like the best. I know a blogger i read used a tincture of chaste berry and something else and she is having twins! Lol that would be something.
but yeah, life is still a mess, but i think it just needs some organization. :P
i am on my phone blogging and its really annoying! So this is all for now.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Just popping back in for a little chit chat :P
Okay, not that anyone noticed I was gone lol! But I decided just to post again. I couldn't stay away forever. I started a new job, it's crazy and I really don't know if I am going to be able to catch on- I've never had so much trouble focusing on a job before, kinda stinks! The worst part of leaving my old job- not getting to spend the time with the friends I made there. My god son was born and I still haven't seen him. Part of me is simply alright with this, and the other part is devastated! He is the cutest little baby boy I've seen since my nephew was born back in 1999! lol I've just been so busy with my new job, and her and I keep different schedules now, it's been hard to make it over to see them.
At my new job a friend of mine that I've known for 5 years or so is currently pregnant. I can't wait for her to have the baby! She is only 16 weeks so there's a long wait lol! I've gotten to the point that I am no longer a bitter hag about other women getting pregnant- it's not their fault I am infertile! I'm happy for them, truly! It's a blessing to have a child, and I wouldn't want that taken away from someone, I know how it feels. So for now I am content and happy for my wonderful friends that are new mothers, and mothers to be!
Hubby has moved on from the idea of children to something else now. Not sure what he's focusing his time on, but he hasn't brought it up to me once. Maybe he is just being distant about it because I had a mild meltdown (lol wow!) or maybe he really just doesn't care about the subject anymore. Either way is fine honestly, if he has decided he no longer wants children then I guess he is a lucky man because I certainly show no improvements on the matter.
I stopped taking the DHEA a long time ago, then randomly yesterday I started taking it again. I don't know why, I literally hadn't even considered taking it again, I was going to dispose of them. Then I got a sudden urge to start up on my two a day regimen again. I am simply not ready to let go 100%, I'm not ready to just stop thinking about it, and trying little things that may help me. I'm not willing to focus all of my attention onto this problem anymore, in fact I am only willing to give it about 5-10% of my brain space lol! Do I still want it badly? Absolutely! You don't just turn that on and off, no matter how hard you try. But life isn't stopping because my ovarian functioning is shit, it keeps going despite all of that- and I need to keep going right along with it.
At my new job a friend of mine that I've known for 5 years or so is currently pregnant. I can't wait for her to have the baby! She is only 16 weeks so there's a long wait lol! I've gotten to the point that I am no longer a bitter hag about other women getting pregnant- it's not their fault I am infertile! I'm happy for them, truly! It's a blessing to have a child, and I wouldn't want that taken away from someone, I know how it feels. So for now I am content and happy for my wonderful friends that are new mothers, and mothers to be!
Hubby has moved on from the idea of children to something else now. Not sure what he's focusing his time on, but he hasn't brought it up to me once. Maybe he is just being distant about it because I had a mild meltdown (lol wow!) or maybe he really just doesn't care about the subject anymore. Either way is fine honestly, if he has decided he no longer wants children then I guess he is a lucky man because I certainly show no improvements on the matter.
I stopped taking the DHEA a long time ago, then randomly yesterday I started taking it again. I don't know why, I literally hadn't even considered taking it again, I was going to dispose of them. Then I got a sudden urge to start up on my two a day regimen again. I am simply not ready to let go 100%, I'm not ready to just stop thinking about it, and trying little things that may help me. I'm not willing to focus all of my attention onto this problem anymore, in fact I am only willing to give it about 5-10% of my brain space lol! Do I still want it badly? Absolutely! You don't just turn that on and off, no matter how hard you try. But life isn't stopping because my ovarian functioning is shit, it keeps going despite all of that- and I need to keep going right along with it.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
A goodbye post
Well I haven't written in a while, I am honestly trying to avoid this place. The one thing I thought would make me feel better was writing, well now it has proven to only make things worse. Reading the words "I'm pregnant" make me cringe. I'm happy for this individual because I know her struggle has been long and difficult, but shit, it's hard....
I have just decided to give up trying to have a child. I've seen persistence pay off for many people, but I just simply do not see it working for me. Trying only makes me more depressed. I simply can't care that much about something that hurts me. I want to go back to two years ago when it didn't phase me that I couldn't have kids. Or better yet, I want to never find out. That's why I'm not going to the doctor, that's why I'm not doing a bunch of dumb tests...I just don't want to know what else is wrong with me. I keep having period cramps, but no period, increased cm, but no ovulation, negative pregnancy tests, and added stress at work, it's all just too much to think about at once.
My friend is a few weeks away from giving birth to her son (my god son). I feel so bad because she is a bundle of happiness and jitters. She wants to talk to me about her concerns, how scared she is about being a mom- but I simply don't want to hear it. Those feelings are all I've been craving for the last 3 months, every single day. I did an awareness paper on Oprah for my finals a while back. In my research Oprah discussed not wanting to be a mom because she didn't think she would be a good parent because of how her mom was with her as a child. I relate to this. The more I think about it the more I realize I would be a terrible mother. I would end up just like my mom...Don't get me wrong I love my mom more than the world, but we certainly were not always close. I believe I'm not meant to have kids because I would fuck them up. I don't want my genetic make-up out there in the world for another generation to have to deal with. It just makes sense now.
I don't think I will be posting again. Like I said it really doesn't help me as much as I was expecting it to. So, good luck to the bloggers I have come in contact with, and congrats to those of you who's hard work has paid off.
I have just decided to give up trying to have a child. I've seen persistence pay off for many people, but I just simply do not see it working for me. Trying only makes me more depressed. I simply can't care that much about something that hurts me. I want to go back to two years ago when it didn't phase me that I couldn't have kids. Or better yet, I want to never find out. That's why I'm not going to the doctor, that's why I'm not doing a bunch of dumb tests...I just don't want to know what else is wrong with me. I keep having period cramps, but no period, increased cm, but no ovulation, negative pregnancy tests, and added stress at work, it's all just too much to think about at once.
My friend is a few weeks away from giving birth to her son (my god son). I feel so bad because she is a bundle of happiness and jitters. She wants to talk to me about her concerns, how scared she is about being a mom- but I simply don't want to hear it. Those feelings are all I've been craving for the last 3 months, every single day. I did an awareness paper on Oprah for my finals a while back. In my research Oprah discussed not wanting to be a mom because she didn't think she would be a good parent because of how her mom was with her as a child. I relate to this. The more I think about it the more I realize I would be a terrible mother. I would end up just like my mom...Don't get me wrong I love my mom more than the world, but we certainly were not always close. I believe I'm not meant to have kids because I would fuck them up. I don't want my genetic make-up out there in the world for another generation to have to deal with. It just makes sense now.
I don't think I will be posting again. Like I said it really doesn't help me as much as I was expecting it to. So, good luck to the bloggers I have come in contact with, and congrats to those of you who's hard work has paid off.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
The search for a good RE in Ohio...Seems like a waste of time!
Well, I haven't felt like posting in a while. My last post was just a mess of emotions boiling over. I haven't really talked to anyone lately, I just decided keeping to myself was the best idea for keeping sanity!
I went away over the weekend to my home town and stayed with my mom. I hadn't seen her in a couple months. We've always had a strange relationship, but no matter how much I say I don't need her it's obvious I do. She's my mom, my best friend! She didn't really know a whole lot about my IF problem. She also didn't know I was TTC, last she knew I was content with not having children. So of course it came as a shock to her that I was such a wreck about having POF now. She said she is set on finding me a good Dr. up in Northern Ohio (where I am from) because I am having trouble down here. The OBGYN that gave me the stats on POF did recommend a RE, but my insurance ran out before I could get to see her. So maybe as soon as I get my new insurance I will go back in and try to see her, though I owe the office some money. So I'm not sure when I will see a RE. I've only talked to one through this whole process and ended up with the same sad story as everyone else. Medical professionals can be so cold sometimes. You would think someone dealing with patients suffering from IF would have more of a heart. Guess not.
I've been taking that DHEA now for almost a month. I haven't noticed side effects but then hubby says I am really irritable since taking it, but I can't say that has anymore to do with DHEA than it does my overall quality of life right now. I have been noticing I started breaking out, which is something I have never had to deal with in my life. My skin has always been perfect. So I don't really know if it's doing anything good for me or if it is making me feel worse. I am going to give it more time,
Sometimes I wonder if I really have POF, there are symptoms I have that I've never read about anyone else having. Then I get scared because the alternatives aren't great either and I know some of these things are not at all an option for what's wrong (specifically STD's). I constantly feel pressure in my lower abdomen, I always say it's my ovaries letting me know they hate me lol. Sometimes I experience sharp pains in my vagina. Someone told me to look into PID (pelvic inflammatory disease) but it is commonly caused by a bacterial STD like gonorrhea and chlamydia and I have never had either of those. My ultrasounds have never shown and cysts, and honestly I just can't figure it out. It kinda feels like period pains, cramps and the sharp jabs I used to get during my menstrual cycle. But I never have a period, and I've never really noticed any pattern or regularity with the pain, it's kind of all the time. Suppose I need to discuss this with the doctor when I go. Ovarian cancer runs in my family, and lots of other ovarian related issues, my poor family got the shit end of that stick. It makes me nervous. I just don't want to deal with any more heartless doctors. That's half the reason I played it off like I didn't want kids, because the struggle to conceive while having to deal with asshole doctors just sounds miserable.
Oh well.
I went away over the weekend to my home town and stayed with my mom. I hadn't seen her in a couple months. We've always had a strange relationship, but no matter how much I say I don't need her it's obvious I do. She's my mom, my best friend! She didn't really know a whole lot about my IF problem. She also didn't know I was TTC, last she knew I was content with not having children. So of course it came as a shock to her that I was such a wreck about having POF now. She said she is set on finding me a good Dr. up in Northern Ohio (where I am from) because I am having trouble down here. The OBGYN that gave me the stats on POF did recommend a RE, but my insurance ran out before I could get to see her. So maybe as soon as I get my new insurance I will go back in and try to see her, though I owe the office some money. So I'm not sure when I will see a RE. I've only talked to one through this whole process and ended up with the same sad story as everyone else. Medical professionals can be so cold sometimes. You would think someone dealing with patients suffering from IF would have more of a heart. Guess not.
I've been taking that DHEA now for almost a month. I haven't noticed side effects but then hubby says I am really irritable since taking it, but I can't say that has anymore to do with DHEA than it does my overall quality of life right now. I have been noticing I started breaking out, which is something I have never had to deal with in my life. My skin has always been perfect. So I don't really know if it's doing anything good for me or if it is making me feel worse. I am going to give it more time,
Sometimes I wonder if I really have POF, there are symptoms I have that I've never read about anyone else having. Then I get scared because the alternatives aren't great either and I know some of these things are not at all an option for what's wrong (specifically STD's). I constantly feel pressure in my lower abdomen, I always say it's my ovaries letting me know they hate me lol. Sometimes I experience sharp pains in my vagina. Someone told me to look into PID (pelvic inflammatory disease) but it is commonly caused by a bacterial STD like gonorrhea and chlamydia and I have never had either of those. My ultrasounds have never shown and cysts, and honestly I just can't figure it out. It kinda feels like period pains, cramps and the sharp jabs I used to get during my menstrual cycle. But I never have a period, and I've never really noticed any pattern or regularity with the pain, it's kind of all the time. Suppose I need to discuss this with the doctor when I go. Ovarian cancer runs in my family, and lots of other ovarian related issues, my poor family got the shit end of that stick. It makes me nervous. I just don't want to deal with any more heartless doctors. That's half the reason I played it off like I didn't want kids, because the struggle to conceive while having to deal with asshole doctors just sounds miserable.
Oh well.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Overwhelming sadness and anger...what next?
I'm in bed...at 1 in the afternoon... depression has seriously taken over my life. I can't sleep at night. My thoughts swarm like a bunch of killer bees, attacking my brain, removing any thoughts that could possibly seem hopeful or even slightly happy. I have told only 5 people about TTC, none of which are my family. I don't want to disappoint them. One of those people is having a hard time in her life right now also and we simply have the attitude of "IDGAF" right now. In case you can't figure that out...we really just don't care about anything. It's so difficult to pretend I am doing okay right now. Every thought is negative, I am screaming inside for answers no one can give me. My friend says only time can answer my questions, but what do you do when time is running out? I look at my journey to motherhood as a lost cause; in my mind I see an hour glass I can't flip over to restart the time...once it's done, time is just lost. Everyone I come across has such strong faith in God, I will be 100% honest and say I do not share in that faith. No one can tell me that God is at work in my life right now, no one knows my personal battles with Him. I have struggled with whether or not he exist my whole life, and now it's even harder to believe he has a "plan" for my infertility ... seriously, what does that even mean? I am not trying to dispute any ones faith, this is absolutely a very personal topic, everyone has their own relationship with who they view as the creator. I am not here to judge that and hope no one else reading this is either. I am simply angry with God or whoever is in charge. I'm angry that I sit by watching countless people in my family losing their children into the system because of drugs. I'm angry I have to hear about abortions being used like a method of birth control. I'm angry everyone around me gets to experience the one thing I want the most. I've never been more bitter in my life. I hate to say people are undeserving of motherhood because who am I to determine that? But I can't help but feel so many people take it for granted. I honestly don't know what makes me so unworthy of producing a child, I don't know what I ever did to end up one of the unfortunate souls to be cursed with IF. How does God decide what women get it and what women dont? I've never been the type to pray and I don't look at what I say as a prayer at all. I am yelling, talking, cursing, anything but praying. Is it so wrong to want answers? I had a woman tell me God didn't make me infertile ...well then who the hell did? Cause I certainly know it wasn't my choice and I didn't do anything to make my ovaries want to stop functioning! That was just one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. If you believe in God, and believe he created you, and knows your path from the very start...then how can you say he didn't make me infertile. That's like saying he didn't make me a girl...and at this point I feel about half a woman anyhow.
I told hubby last night I just wanted to feel like a normal woman. He told me he loved me regardless and that to him I was the perfect woman. I finally told him I was reading these blogs - but not about writing my own. He said he understood and didn't judge me about it. It hurts me to the very core of my soul to know I wont make this man a father. He never comes right out and says it, but I know he wants it. He has mentioned having a kid to share all his cool stuff with, and letting our kids watch scary movies and raising them on 80s and 90s cartoons lol. It makes me smile, but breaks my heart at the same time.
I'm sorry I am such a drag
And sorry I am so miserable.
I don't want to feel this way,
You all know that right?
:/
Saturday, April 13, 2013
How long is too long?
I am actively reading other bloggers posts about their IF journeys and sometimes this gives me strength to keep trying and other times it makes me feel worse about my situation. How these women can keep on trying for all these years is beyond me. I simply do not understand how they can stay strong that long. I know for a fact I would not be able to do it, I can barely do it now. For the last two years hubby and I haven't been "trying" but we haven't been preventing either. I don't know if I include this in my TTC timeline or if I just start from last month when I got serious about having a baby. It's been a concern of mine for at least a year, so I suppose I will say I've been TTC for a little over one year. There's a blog I read where this woman has been trying for 10 years! Obviously she has struggled and still does, but she remains positive through it all, and here I am barely holding it together.
I am in between insurance companies right now, I was on my dad's insurance (where I could have remained until I was 26 had I not gotten married) and now the insurance my current job offers is awful and way to expensive for how cruddy it is. So I gathered up all of my pay stubs for the last month and I am headed for this clinic a couple towns over. They go off your income, and I know I will still pay a good amount but it's the only place that will take me without insurance. A good friend of mine suggested I go there, and it's the place that did my grandma's free cancer screening that found out she had ovarian cancer. So I trust them. I just don't know how much they can help me. It's only an OBGYN, but I did read on the website they offer some help with IF problems. So we will see I suppose. I need to set up an appointment, but I am nervous. I figure I will wait until after finals week.
I feel like I have completely lost my mind this week. There is a younger girl at my job that has been lying about a pregnancy for months now and it's close to her "due date" and she is quitting. I try not to say much about it when other staff members bring it to my attention that she is so obviously not pregnant, but last night it really got to me and I got fired up about it. I ran my mouth to a manager about how some of us can't have kids and that karma was gonna bite her in the ass and blah blah blah...I feel bad assuming someone would lie about this, but I absolutely feel it in my gut that she is. She's young, only about 18, and has had a hard year....but there's no excuse for this. I just want her to leave, be out of my sight so that I don't end up going off on her! I feel so angry around her that I literally feel like I could hit her...Who does something like this?
Anyhow, that's about all I have to say.
I am in between insurance companies right now, I was on my dad's insurance (where I could have remained until I was 26 had I not gotten married) and now the insurance my current job offers is awful and way to expensive for how cruddy it is. So I gathered up all of my pay stubs for the last month and I am headed for this clinic a couple towns over. They go off your income, and I know I will still pay a good amount but it's the only place that will take me without insurance. A good friend of mine suggested I go there, and it's the place that did my grandma's free cancer screening that found out she had ovarian cancer. So I trust them. I just don't know how much they can help me. It's only an OBGYN, but I did read on the website they offer some help with IF problems. So we will see I suppose. I need to set up an appointment, but I am nervous. I figure I will wait until after finals week.
I feel like I have completely lost my mind this week. There is a younger girl at my job that has been lying about a pregnancy for months now and it's close to her "due date" and she is quitting. I try not to say much about it when other staff members bring it to my attention that she is so obviously not pregnant, but last night it really got to me and I got fired up about it. I ran my mouth to a manager about how some of us can't have kids and that karma was gonna bite her in the ass and blah blah blah...I feel bad assuming someone would lie about this, but I absolutely feel it in my gut that she is. She's young, only about 18, and has had a hard year....but there's no excuse for this. I just want her to leave, be out of my sight so that I don't end up going off on her! I feel so angry around her that I literally feel like I could hit her...Who does something like this?
Anyhow, that's about all I have to say.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Quick post to occupy my time doing laundry :)
I am at my favorite place right now ...the laundry mat! Yeah, uh, not really it stinks coming here! The place we live in currently has no washer and dryer hook ups. Super lame.
Its storming out, I love it! I love the sound of thunder and I love rain! Only problem is I left the windows open at home and it is without a doubt raining in and scaring my poor cats! Oh well, I'm not going out in this just to shut the window. When I left it was fine, just cloudy lol.
I have finally decided to take a year off school and just focus on work and getting some stuff situated in life. I don't feel bad about this choice because I know it's what's best right now. I talked to hubby and he is fine with it. I have a decent job so its not like we aren't surviving. Yeah, I know what some people will say about me "giving up" but I'm okay with that too because I know I will go back and finish when I'm ready. Honestly I feel good about this, I don't look at it as I'm giving up, I am just taking an extended break to take care of some other things in life.
I ended up not ovulating. So that sucks. I've been taking this DHEA a couple weeks or so, I know any good things that can happen from taking this don't just happen over night. So far I'm not having any side effects which is good! I'm not sure if I wrote about this or not, but we decided that if we don't have a baby in 4 years we will adopt. I honestly don't think I can keep trying that long...hopefully we wont have to!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Mood swings
Started an unexpected fight with hubby tonight and then took off on a drive. I've lived in this part of Ohio for a few years but I honestly don't know my way around so needless to say I got lost on my drive in the country. Smart move. The truth is, I want nothing to do with anyone right now. I just want to run away.
Late after the baby shower when I was trying to sleep I ended up just laying there crying. I wanted hubby to know something was wrong and just walk in and save me. Stupid right? I don't want to have to say something is wrong because I simply don't want to say the words "I just want a damn baby!" In my head I was screaming profanity at 'God' and all I could do was cry for hours it seemed and hubby never knew. Maybe tonight that's why I got angrier than I normally would have when he says dumb guy stuff lol. That's a total crazy woman thing to do. Whatever
I'm writing this from the parking lot of a gas station I managed to find in the middle of no where. I know how to get home from here ...I just don't feel like going back yet. I made an ass of myself and he doesn't even know why I am so upset these last couple weeks. I had told him my friends baby shower was going to be depressing for me, his answer was to just not go then. I told him id be fine, just a little sad, so I was too embarrassed to really tell him how I felt. Worst part about all of this, I don't give him the chance to show how supportive he is, I just assume he wont know what to say to help me and keep it to myself. He's a great man, but has very little experience with relationships and sometimes I just don't give him enough credit.
Bleh, I wish I wasn't so crazy. Does this ever get any easier? Wow
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Survived the baby shower
Quick post, today was friends baby shower and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I held my other friends 3 week old daughter the entire time I was there practically. I believe I mentioned her in my last post, saying insensitive dumb stuff. But today she was really sweet and told me I could hold her baby as long as I wanted because she knows how hard I felt today. All three of us are friends, and all three of us have had great emotional loss due to children. Their physical loss of a child is far different from my loss of fertility, but we all understand each other. It was nice honestly.
I am still riding on a high from holding that baby and loving that little girl! I don't feel sad for myself yet; I'm sure I will soon.
I love my
friends though
Always there
for each other!
<3
I am still riding on a high from holding that baby and loving that little girl! I don't feel sad for myself yet; I'm sure I will soon.
I love my
friends though
Always there
for each other!
<3
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Is it weird to buy yourself a fertility necklace?
Today has been a strange day for me. It simply feels like everything is dragging on and on! It is now 2pm and it feels like it should be 6pm (the time of my last class today! I have a huge break in between my classes.) I just got done watching a documentary in my diversity class that was just really emotional. I am close to this teacher, and while she doesn't know everything that is going on with me right now, she does know I am going through a lot. So when I teared up and left the class during this film she followed me to ask me if I was okay and I just kind of unleashed on her most of what I am doing right now with TTC, and looking for a new job, and school, and stress.stress.stress. She was so nice about it, and the whole time while she was talking I felt like she had been through something like this before. Finally towards the end of our conversation she mentioned it took her 5 years of trying to have her 1 child, her son. I could feel pride and sadness in her voice all at once. It made me feel light, so many times I feel burdened by this, even when someones success story fills me with happiness for them I still feel heavily burdened for myself. such a pity party,I know! But her story, though I don't even know the details-only that she would bother sharing it with me her student- made me literally smile from ear to ear.
Another dream happened last night, I was holding my new born baby boy, I remember just smiling at him, and spreading a part his little baby fingers and counting them. weird right? lol All I specifically remember saying was "Do you know how hard I tried for you little guy? Do you know everything mommy had to go through? I want you to know it was all worth it."
While my normal reaction would be to write about how miserable this made me, today I am taking a different route. At first it really did make me miserable. Then I told one of my friends from school that I was TTC, she knows my situation. I told her everything I was doing, supplements, dieting, charting, etc. and she kindly asked "is this going to work?" I told her I really didn't know and that I really felt I was denying myself a certain quality of life just for something that most likely wont work. Then what she said next made me feel so close to her as a friend. She said "you've gotta stay hopeful about all of this. That's the best way to make things happen." Of course I tell myself this, and it is common sense, but it felt nice to hear it from someone else...then the conversation with my teacher...I can't completely chalk my situation up to a big fat loss and still try for a baby...that just seems like a little bit of self fulfilling prophecy or some crap! lol
I feel like sometimes I don't get enough support, simply because I don't ask for it. That's why I italicized the word mommy in my dream, what mommy had to go through...I feel like I am going through everything alone. That is not hubby's fault, nor is it my mother in laws fault, or my mom, or my sister, or my friends, or.or.or...It's my fault. On a similar note-
I found an Etsy shop I really like, and a necklace I really considered purchasing (actually a couple, I also love this this one).Then I thought it would be silly to buy it for myself. Why? I'm not sure, that's just how I felt about it at the time. Normally people give these as gifts to someone struggling. This is the necklace. Not sure if anyone is familiar with the story here, but it does have a little background in the description of the necklace. Is it silly to buy this for myself? I feel like this is my personal struggle, and so it would be okay to buy myself a reminder of what I am working towards, for when I am discouraged. While hubby knows he wants a kid, and I can't easily give him one, I feel like he would be more content to go childless, or even just wait a long time and adopt. We are not on the same emotional level with this I feel. Sometimes he says something that absolutely makes me feel he is with me and is sad for our potential failure to conceive. Then some days it seems he is unfazed. Possibly because I am the reason, I am the failing one. That is why I am so obsessive.
Anyhow, I feel a little more positive about my situation today. Maybe I am riding a high from feeling the healthiest I've felt in a long time, or maybe a little support from friends really does go a long way.
Thank you
everyone.
I needed today.
Another dream happened last night, I was holding my new born baby boy, I remember just smiling at him, and spreading a part his little baby fingers and counting them. weird right? lol All I specifically remember saying was "Do you know how hard I tried for you little guy? Do you know everything mommy had to go through? I want you to know it was all worth it."
While my normal reaction would be to write about how miserable this made me, today I am taking a different route. At first it really did make me miserable. Then I told one of my friends from school that I was TTC, she knows my situation. I told her everything I was doing, supplements, dieting, charting, etc. and she kindly asked "is this going to work?" I told her I really didn't know and that I really felt I was denying myself a certain quality of life just for something that most likely wont work. Then what she said next made me feel so close to her as a friend. She said "you've gotta stay hopeful about all of this. That's the best way to make things happen." Of course I tell myself this, and it is common sense, but it felt nice to hear it from someone else...then the conversation with my teacher...I can't completely chalk my situation up to a big fat loss and still try for a baby...that just seems like a little bit of self fulfilling prophecy or some crap! lol
I feel like sometimes I don't get enough support, simply because I don't ask for it. That's why I italicized the word mommy in my dream, what mommy had to go through...I feel like I am going through everything alone. That is not hubby's fault, nor is it my mother in laws fault, or my mom, or my sister, or my friends, or.or.or...It's my fault. On a similar note-
I found an Etsy shop I really like, and a necklace I really considered purchasing (actually a couple, I also love this this one).Then I thought it would be silly to buy it for myself. Why? I'm not sure, that's just how I felt about it at the time. Normally people give these as gifts to someone struggling. This is the necklace. Not sure if anyone is familiar with the story here, but it does have a little background in the description of the necklace. Is it silly to buy this for myself? I feel like this is my personal struggle, and so it would be okay to buy myself a reminder of what I am working towards, for when I am discouraged. While hubby knows he wants a kid, and I can't easily give him one, I feel like he would be more content to go childless, or even just wait a long time and adopt. We are not on the same emotional level with this I feel. Sometimes he says something that absolutely makes me feel he is with me and is sad for our potential failure to conceive. Then some days it seems he is unfazed. Possibly because I am the reason, I am the failing one. That is why I am so obsessive.
Anyhow, I feel a little more positive about my situation today. Maybe I am riding a high from feeling the healthiest I've felt in a long time, or maybe a little support from friends really does go a long way.
Thank you
everyone.
I needed today.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
BFN, baby dreams, and silly ring tests.
I'm sure I'm not alone in this, and if I am that's okay I will share it anyways. About every 3-6 months I buy a pregnancy test and take it, of course getting the same sad result. I used to brush it off a little, because a positive would mean way scarier things than a negative. Motherhood, giving up my freedom, no more late nights out, no drinking, smoking, "living large" Ha! Living large in central Ohio, not possible. I'm not even near the big central cities- nope the closest place to me is Marion Ohio, and it's a junky town.
Anyhow,
Today was one of those pregnancy test days. One of the first times I literally wanted it to be positive with no second thoughts about how scary life would be if it were. I had a dream last night about being pregnant, like full blown going into labor soon pregnant. I woke up feeling so satisfied with life, until I realized it was all a dream. This goes without saying but, I did get a BFN, obviously.
In my family we used to do this "ring test" thingy where you would tie a piece of string to a wedding band and hang it over your belly and it would tell you how many and what gender your kids will be. It has always been eerily correct for my family. It even counted miscarriages; and even more strange my mom raised my nephew for a while and it counted him as her fourth child. It had always done 3 girls for her (me and my two older sisters) then randomly after she started raising him it said 3 girls, 1 boy! Weird right?
Know what my ring test says? 4 kids! 2 girls and 2 boys. I hate to tell this dumb ring thing, but it can't possibly be right for me lol. A) I don't want that many children. I would be perfectly content with only 1, maybe 2. But certainly not 4. And B) I'm already 25 with no sign of improving my fertility. People with POF are extremely lucky to have 1, let alone any more than that. So yes ring test, you have been proven a fake! Even if you were spot on for everyone else!
I see people content with going the DE route, I could never do that. Not because I am against raising a child not biologically my own, but because there are so many children out there already that need homes. Adoption would be my preferred method if all else fails. I would love the feeling of being pregnant, but I feel like I'd love the feeling of being a mom more, and that can be achieved through adoption. If I am going to raise a child not genetically mine, I'd want it to be one who absolutely needs a forever home and isn't the desirable age to adopt. I'm talking like 6 years old and up. A challenge, but one I'd take on full force. Even if I do conceive ever, I honestly think I would adopt later down the road anyhow. So maybe that's my 4 kids huh? lol
Time for work.
Good day vibes!
I hope
Anyhow,
Today was one of those pregnancy test days. One of the first times I literally wanted it to be positive with no second thoughts about how scary life would be if it were. I had a dream last night about being pregnant, like full blown going into labor soon pregnant. I woke up feeling so satisfied with life, until I realized it was all a dream. This goes without saying but, I did get a BFN, obviously.
In my family we used to do this "ring test" thingy where you would tie a piece of string to a wedding band and hang it over your belly and it would tell you how many and what gender your kids will be. It has always been eerily correct for my family. It even counted miscarriages; and even more strange my mom raised my nephew for a while and it counted him as her fourth child. It had always done 3 girls for her (me and my two older sisters) then randomly after she started raising him it said 3 girls, 1 boy! Weird right?
Know what my ring test says? 4 kids! 2 girls and 2 boys. I hate to tell this dumb ring thing, but it can't possibly be right for me lol. A) I don't want that many children. I would be perfectly content with only 1, maybe 2. But certainly not 4. And B) I'm already 25 with no sign of improving my fertility. People with POF are extremely lucky to have 1, let alone any more than that. So yes ring test, you have been proven a fake! Even if you were spot on for everyone else!
I see people content with going the DE route, I could never do that. Not because I am against raising a child not biologically my own, but because there are so many children out there already that need homes. Adoption would be my preferred method if all else fails. I would love the feeling of being pregnant, but I feel like I'd love the feeling of being a mom more, and that can be achieved through adoption. If I am going to raise a child not genetically mine, I'd want it to be one who absolutely needs a forever home and isn't the desirable age to adopt. I'm talking like 6 years old and up. A challenge, but one I'd take on full force. Even if I do conceive ever, I honestly think I would adopt later down the road anyhow. So maybe that's my 4 kids huh? lol
Time for work.
Good day vibes!
I hope
Monday, April 1, 2013
My phone is being dumb!
I feel like my phone randomly decided to delete a post and then tried reposting it...who knows. Technology! What a pain in the ass
Now that I am on my computer it does show a deleted post :( That bums be out because that was a part of my journey and now it's not there! And it even had some comments on it.
Oh well!
Spilled milk
:)
Now that I am on my computer it does show a deleted post :( That bums be out because that was a part of my journey and now it's not there! And it even had some comments on it.
Oh well!
Spilled milk
:)
Sunday, March 31, 2013
DHEA purchased...
I purchased DHEA today from my local GNC, I took one and then did some more research on them and feel concerned. They say not to take them on your own without a doctor and without some kind of a plan to switch to another treatment. I figure it's not going to kill me, so I will keep taking them. But, I read somewhere that taking them can make things worse if it's not really needed. It's been some time since I knew what any of my levels were, maybe I shouldn't take it until I see a doctor again. That could be a while though...and any success from taking DHEA has been over several months anyhow.
Risk.
Is it ever worth it?
I think yes.
Risk.
Is it ever worth it?
I think yes.
Maybe next year....blah blah blah
First of all, I am wondering if anyone is reading my blog? I'm not sure how to get readers but I'd certainly like some so that I don't feel like I m venting to open space...which I suppose isn't that bad in reality lol. But, it would just be nice to feel I'm reaching someone with my thoughts. I don't know....Anyhow, moving on.
Happy Easter.
Hubby Dearest brought me home a surprise Easter basket of my favorite candies. (he's so cute! he may not see it, but he would be a great dad) He knows I am on a super strict diet for controlling my blood sugar because I refuse to end up on medication like my mother, no way no how! But- he says live a little! That's when I realized that's something I'm not doing...I'm hardly living at all. I breathe, eat, drink, sleep, use the bathroom...the basic necessities of life -is anyone else singing the bear necessities song in their head right now? No, just me? Okay :)- I am consumed by infertility. I think about it constantly. I am working, I think about it. I am trying to write a paper for school, I'm thinking about it. I am not a good employee, I'm a miserable failure as a student, and honestly I feel like an awful wife for not being able to simply say "yeah babes, we will have no problem making a baby! Lets start tonight ;)" My sex drive is practically nonexistent, an extremely unfortunate side effect of my POF, considering a stork doesn't bring the babies in real life!
I love my mother in law, she is just the sweetest women alive. I really hit gold when I got her, and often we are closer than my own mother and I are. She went to the OBGYN with me when I got diagnosed with POF 2 years ago, and while she wasn't in the room with me I did come out and share some things with her. Much like my hubby she thinks there is a chance. I'm not sure either of them quite grasp how low the odds really are. She says to me "you need to get working on having a baby! The sooner the better, I want to be a granny!" I would love to make her a granny (I hate that term but whatever!) She said to me today "maybe next year we will have a little addition to the family for Easter!" I had to walk out of the room, I can't handle that.
I've decided to get serious about TTC, I want to try DHEA, which has shown some positive results for some people with POF. The side effects really don't seem like something I want to deal with though. I am already a rather hairy woman, and while I still sound like I am 12, I don't really want my voice to deepen, and some people said their hair fell out. I already shed like a dog because of my thyroid. I have some health issues I need to address before making my body a good place for a baby to grow, but overall I am not that unhealthy. Maybe someday I will have a success story too and I can join the happy 5%-10% of women who get pregnant with POF.
Anyone know a good place to buy this particular supplement?
I've finally chosen to take some action, but I can't help but feel this will all be for nothing. Maybe the people at work were right, I am setting myself up for a failure I can't handle. But the way I see it, I'm already failing that's the whole point; what's it going to hurt to try a little harder?
Happy Easter.
Hubby Dearest brought me home a surprise Easter basket of my favorite candies. (he's so cute! he may not see it, but he would be a great dad) He knows I am on a super strict diet for controlling my blood sugar because I refuse to end up on medication like my mother, no way no how! But- he says live a little! That's when I realized that's something I'm not doing...I'm hardly living at all. I breathe, eat, drink, sleep, use the bathroom...the basic necessities of life -is anyone else singing the bear necessities song in their head right now? No, just me? Okay :)- I am consumed by infertility. I think about it constantly. I am working, I think about it. I am trying to write a paper for school, I'm thinking about it. I am not a good employee, I'm a miserable failure as a student, and honestly I feel like an awful wife for not being able to simply say "yeah babes, we will have no problem making a baby! Lets start tonight ;)" My sex drive is practically nonexistent, an extremely unfortunate side effect of my POF, considering a stork doesn't bring the babies in real life!
I love my mother in law, she is just the sweetest women alive. I really hit gold when I got her, and often we are closer than my own mother and I are. She went to the OBGYN with me when I got diagnosed with POF 2 years ago, and while she wasn't in the room with me I did come out and share some things with her. Much like my hubby she thinks there is a chance. I'm not sure either of them quite grasp how low the odds really are. She says to me "you need to get working on having a baby! The sooner the better, I want to be a granny!" I would love to make her a granny (I hate that term but whatever!) She said to me today "maybe next year we will have a little addition to the family for Easter!" I had to walk out of the room, I can't handle that.
I've decided to get serious about TTC, I want to try DHEA, which has shown some positive results for some people with POF. The side effects really don't seem like something I want to deal with though. I am already a rather hairy woman, and while I still sound like I am 12, I don't really want my voice to deepen, and some people said their hair fell out. I already shed like a dog because of my thyroid. I have some health issues I need to address before making my body a good place for a baby to grow, but overall I am not that unhealthy. Maybe someday I will have a success story too and I can join the happy 5%-10% of women who get pregnant with POF.
Anyone know a good place to buy this particular supplement?
I've finally chosen to take some action, but I can't help but feel this will all be for nothing. Maybe the people at work were right, I am setting myself up for a failure I can't handle. But the way I see it, I'm already failing that's the whole point; what's it going to hurt to try a little harder?
Saturday, March 30, 2013
My big mouth...
Well tonight at my job I made the mistake of mentioning that I was thinking of TTC. There are a select few that know my problem, and many more that do not. There were shrieks of excitement followed by "oh ...my name... I am so happy you will have a baby in no time blah blah blah"... and those that know my condition cringed and asked if I really thought it was a good idea to even try cause I would be let down. Uh...OUCH! that.was.fucking.harsh ....
That's all
Selfish, crazy, need therapy?
I suppose a little lot more background will go into this post. Here goes.
Like I said, I was diagnosed with POF at the age of 23, that was two years ago. When I got the diagnosis my now husband and I had only been dating for two years and honestly had not discussed kids much. I always wanted kids most of my childhood and then I grew up and decided I didn't need a family. I wasn't going to get married, and I wasn't going to have kids. That was the plan.
Well I got married, so that ruined part of it right? lol (I lovelovelove my husband)
Anyhow, so when I got told I was infertile I was like okay no big deal....I didn't want kids anyhow. Boy was I wrong about how big of a deal it really was. My husband knows we can't have kids, and he is still okay with it because he doesn't want any right now. The key words, and everyone will agree, are right now. Problem there, right now is not a mind frame we can be in, it is more like never ever.
I came home from the OBGYN that day with a referral to an RE, I never went. Still to this day I have not gone back to the doctor at all, for anything. I don't take birth control, I don't do HRT, no "hey little lady parts start working again" medicine. All I do take is 1200 mg of calcium for my bones, and a yummy gummy vitamin for women! I had some other health concerns that day so I do try to follow a low carb/low sugar diet, my blodd sugar was a little out of whack and my thyroid is beyond crazy. I knew that from when I was 18, I was put on 125mcg's of some thyroid medicine (yeah in case you're wondering that is a high dose, I started out on 25) I just wish that doctor had been more thorough back then. I wish he would have noticed my small ovaries meant something, the girl that did my ultrasound even said it was strange I had NO FOLLICLES! (at 18 I had zip-zero-nada follies, that's sad) Really....
I'm sure I should get back into the OB to figure some things out, or maybe break down and see the RE, but there is a little thing called insurance that I am currently lacking, and IF is not an inexpensive thing to treat.
That all leads me to now, I have not had a visit from flow in a year or maybe even longer. My emotions are every where, night sweats, hot flashes/flushes whatever...awful junk. Then randomly last week my hubby decided to say something along these lines "well I can't lie babe, sometimes I feel it would be easier if we had a kid now. Now that I am 30, I feel like it's something I could warm up to." Okay hubby, you're great, but really? I haven't talked to him about this much at all really, he doesn't know anything about POF, how impossible it is for me to have children, and how much pain I am currently going through over all of this. So I guess I can't blame the guy. He just assumes it will be easier now then later, not really the case dear.
When did the emotional train ride begin? When my friend lost her baby sometime last year her and I got very close and I confided in her about me not being able to have children and that sometimes it was difficult to think about because once you get told you can't it is no longer a choice. and that is hard. it was always just that I didn't want them. Well, she became pregnant again about 6 months after she lost her daughter. Sweet thing didn't even want to tell me she was pregnant, but she did, and she asked me to be the god mother. I of course was over the moon for her; but then things took a bad turn for me. It is selfish isn't it? Being angry that someone is pregnant and doing well after she had lost her first baby? It's more then selfish it is terrible, makes me a miserably bad person! I love her to pieces, I am so excited for her, I just got her baby shower girft in the mail and it made me burst into tears...but I'm happy for her, aren't I?
I didn't expect this to be so difficult. I really need to talk this stuff out with my husband. I just can't.
Like I said, I was diagnosed with POF at the age of 23, that was two years ago. When I got the diagnosis my now husband and I had only been dating for two years and honestly had not discussed kids much. I always wanted kids most of my childhood and then I grew up and decided I didn't need a family. I wasn't going to get married, and I wasn't going to have kids. That was the plan.
Well I got married, so that ruined part of it right? lol (I lovelovelove my husband)
Anyhow, so when I got told I was infertile I was like okay no big deal....I didn't want kids anyhow. Boy was I wrong about how big of a deal it really was. My husband knows we can't have kids, and he is still okay with it because he doesn't want any right now. The key words, and everyone will agree, are right now. Problem there, right now is not a mind frame we can be in, it is more like never ever.
I came home from the OBGYN that day with a referral to an RE, I never went. Still to this day I have not gone back to the doctor at all, for anything. I don't take birth control, I don't do HRT, no "hey little lady parts start working again" medicine. All I do take is 1200 mg of calcium for my bones, and a yummy gummy vitamin for women! I had some other health concerns that day so I do try to follow a low carb/low sugar diet, my blodd sugar was a little out of whack and my thyroid is beyond crazy. I knew that from when I was 18, I was put on 125mcg's of some thyroid medicine (yeah in case you're wondering that is a high dose, I started out on 25) I just wish that doctor had been more thorough back then. I wish he would have noticed my small ovaries meant something, the girl that did my ultrasound even said it was strange I had NO FOLLICLES! (at 18 I had zip-zero-nada follies, that's sad) Really....
I'm sure I should get back into the OB to figure some things out, or maybe break down and see the RE, but there is a little thing called insurance that I am currently lacking, and IF is not an inexpensive thing to treat.
That all leads me to now, I have not had a visit from flow in a year or maybe even longer. My emotions are every where, night sweats, hot flashes/flushes whatever...awful junk. Then randomly last week my hubby decided to say something along these lines "well I can't lie babe, sometimes I feel it would be easier if we had a kid now. Now that I am 30, I feel like it's something I could warm up to." Okay hubby, you're great, but really? I haven't talked to him about this much at all really, he doesn't know anything about POF, how impossible it is for me to have children, and how much pain I am currently going through over all of this. So I guess I can't blame the guy. He just assumes it will be easier now then later, not really the case dear.
When did the emotional train ride begin? When my friend lost her baby sometime last year her and I got very close and I confided in her about me not being able to have children and that sometimes it was difficult to think about because once you get told you can't it is no longer a choice. and that is hard. it was always just that I didn't want them. Well, she became pregnant again about 6 months after she lost her daughter. Sweet thing didn't even want to tell me she was pregnant, but she did, and she asked me to be the god mother. I of course was over the moon for her; but then things took a bad turn for me. It is selfish isn't it? Being angry that someone is pregnant and doing well after she had lost her first baby? It's more then selfish it is terrible, makes me a miserably bad person! I love her to pieces, I am so excited for her, I just got her baby shower girft in the mail and it made me burst into tears...but I'm happy for her, aren't I?
I didn't expect this to be so difficult. I really need to talk this stuff out with my husband. I just can't.
Friday, March 29, 2013
intruduction to my broken parts
I recently stumbled across this blog while doing some Google searches. After finding it, reading every single heart felt post, and literally crying for hours (I cried when I read it, cried when I thought about reading it,and cried when I saw her baby bump) I decided I needed to write my own- whether anyone read it or not it would make me feel better! Maybe...I can assure you this post will end up being way too long. Sorry :)
Background:
I am 25 years old, I've been married now for almost 6 months.
My husband is 29.
We live in some miserable small town in Ohio,
I am currently a late bloomer on the attending college front, which is stressing me out!
&& to get to the point behind me writing this blog; I have POF (premature ovarian failure). My case is strange to say the least. On my own I have determined I have always had POF, from day 1. I know that sounds dramatic, but it just makes since to me.
Background of broken lady parts:
***This will get graphic, I apologize in advance***
Aunt flow first visited me in 4th grade, actually on my birthday that year. (I really can't remember my age but it was too young I'll tell ya that!) I had been educated on monthly cycles and all that fun jazz about being a girl. My mom told me her story about being hit with a softball and then starting her period the next day and being scared the softball had done damage to her internally (so cute, my mom!) So I expected it to be a little "scary". That didn't even begin to explain my first period. More like terrifying, horrific, mortifying! I told no one about it because it just didn't seem normal to me and I was embarrassed.
Here is the nitty gritty.... My first period lasted 10 days. I was in constant agonizing pain, and the heaviness of this flow was just beyond anything I had imagined. It was like a horror movie, like someone had literally stabbed my vagina and I was gushing from the stab wound. I promise you (sorry) there were blood clots the size of quarters, I'd wipe myself after using the restroom and I'd have blood all over my hands. I was in 4th grade!!!!! This was awful. Then, after those 10 days, I did not have another period until exactly 1 year later. And it was exactly the same. Through my youth they got a little more regulated but not really, and they consistently were heavy heavy heavy! Eventually I was on BC, which helped a whole lot. I never told anyone there was something wrong until I was 17 or so, and mom and I assumed I had PCOS. I had my first ultrasound of my ovaries at 18. My ovaries had no cysts to my surprise, but were very tiny. I heard nothing about my follicles at that time. I brushed it off and kept on my normal BC for a few years.
My point, POF since day 1, seems a little more reasonable after that story I think. Here I am at 25, (diagnosed at 23 btw) thinking "maybe if I had done something sooner...baby would be here." But honestly, with my history, I don't see that as being true. I believe out of the 5-10% chance of conceiving naturally, mine is negative 100%. That never bothered me until recently. Everyone.is.having.a.damn.baby.BUT.ME. I've started to lose the grip I thought I had on my emotions at this point. Hence this blog. I might just write two times a day, who knows. I suppose this is all for now though.
Background:
I am 25 years old, I've been married now for almost 6 months.
My husband is 29.
We live in some miserable small town in Ohio,
I am currently a late bloomer on the attending college front, which is stressing me out!
&& to get to the point behind me writing this blog; I have POF (premature ovarian failure). My case is strange to say the least. On my own I have determined I have always had POF, from day 1. I know that sounds dramatic, but it just makes since to me.
Background of broken lady parts:
***This will get graphic, I apologize in advance***
Aunt flow first visited me in 4th grade, actually on my birthday that year. (I really can't remember my age but it was too young I'll tell ya that!) I had been educated on monthly cycles and all that fun jazz about being a girl. My mom told me her story about being hit with a softball and then starting her period the next day and being scared the softball had done damage to her internally (so cute, my mom!) So I expected it to be a little "scary". That didn't even begin to explain my first period. More like terrifying, horrific, mortifying! I told no one about it because it just didn't seem normal to me and I was embarrassed.
Here is the nitty gritty.... My first period lasted 10 days. I was in constant agonizing pain, and the heaviness of this flow was just beyond anything I had imagined. It was like a horror movie, like someone had literally stabbed my vagina and I was gushing from the stab wound. I promise you (sorry) there were blood clots the size of quarters, I'd wipe myself after using the restroom and I'd have blood all over my hands. I was in 4th grade!!!!! This was awful. Then, after those 10 days, I did not have another period until exactly 1 year later. And it was exactly the same. Through my youth they got a little more regulated but not really, and they consistently were heavy heavy heavy! Eventually I was on BC, which helped a whole lot. I never told anyone there was something wrong until I was 17 or so, and mom and I assumed I had PCOS. I had my first ultrasound of my ovaries at 18. My ovaries had no cysts to my surprise, but were very tiny. I heard nothing about my follicles at that time. I brushed it off and kept on my normal BC for a few years.
My point, POF since day 1, seems a little more reasonable after that story I think. Here I am at 25, (diagnosed at 23 btw) thinking "maybe if I had done something sooner...baby would be here." But honestly, with my history, I don't see that as being true. I believe out of the 5-10% chance of conceiving naturally, mine is negative 100%. That never bothered me until recently. Everyone.is.having.a.damn.baby.BUT.ME. I've started to lose the grip I thought I had on my emotions at this point. Hence this blog. I might just write two times a day, who knows. I suppose this is all for now though.
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