First of all, I am wondering if anyone is reading my blog? I'm not sure how to get readers but I'd certainly like some so that I don't feel like I m venting to open space...which I suppose isn't that bad in reality lol. But, it would just be nice to feel I'm reaching someone with my thoughts. I don't know....Anyhow, moving on.
Happy Easter.
Hubby Dearest brought me home a surprise Easter basket of my favorite candies. (he's so cute! he may not see it, but he would be a great dad) He knows I am on a super strict diet for controlling my blood sugar because I refuse to end up on medication like my mother, no way no how! But- he says live a little! That's when I realized that's something I'm not doing...I'm hardly living at all. I breathe, eat, drink, sleep, use the bathroom...the basic necessities of life -is anyone else singing the bear necessities song in their head right now? No, just me? Okay :)- I am consumed by infertility. I think about it constantly. I am working, I think about it. I am trying to write a paper for school, I'm thinking about it. I am not a good employee, I'm a miserable failure as a student, and honestly I feel like an awful wife for not being able to simply say "yeah babes, we will have no problem making a baby! Lets start tonight ;)" My sex drive is practically nonexistent, an extremely unfortunate side effect of my POF, considering a stork doesn't bring the babies in real life!
I love my mother in law, she is just the sweetest women alive. I really hit gold when I got her, and often we are closer than my own mother and I are. She went to the OBGYN with me when I got diagnosed with POF 2 years ago, and while she wasn't in the room with me I did come out and share some things with her. Much like my hubby she thinks there is a chance. I'm not sure either of them quite grasp how low the odds really are. She says to me "you need to get working on having a baby! The sooner the better, I want to be a granny!" I would love to make her a granny (I hate that term but whatever!) She said to me today "maybe next year we will have a little addition to the family for Easter!" I had to walk out of the room, I can't handle that.
I've decided to get serious about TTC, I want to try DHEA, which has shown some positive results for some people with POF. The side effects really don't seem like something I want to deal with though. I am already a rather hairy woman, and while I still sound like I am 12, I don't really want my voice to deepen, and some people said their hair fell out. I already shed like a dog because of my thyroid. I have some health issues I need to address before making my body a good place for a baby to grow, but overall I am not that unhealthy. Maybe someday I will have a success story too and I can join the happy 5%-10% of women who get pregnant with POF.
Anyone know a good place to buy this particular supplement?
I've finally chosen to take some action, but I can't help but feel this will all be for nothing. Maybe the people at work were right, I am setting myself up for a failure I can't handle. But the way I see it, I'm already failing that's the whole point; what's it going to hurt to try a little harder?
I get mine at Whole Foods. The brand is Country Life and they are vegetarian gel caps. 3 a day 75 mg). I have no idea if they are working or not but I can at least say I have had no side-effects.
ReplyDeleteI would also check out a traditional Chinese medicine Dr. If anything, it might help to give you hope. I would call around or look up reviews of any in your area to find the best one that specializes in infertility.
And even if the drive isn't there, you could still be close with your hubby. You just have to tell yourself you aren't in it just to make a baby. It is to be close and bond with your man. :-)
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