I just thought it might be a good time for a small update for anyone that read my last meltdown of a post lol! Life certainly isn't the way I want it to be, but it's looking up slightly. As summer comes to an end I am reminded that my 2 year wedding anniversary is coming up. This time last year hubby and I were preparing for the same trip, a horror movie convention lol! Yes, this is how we celebrated our anniversary- a weekend away, a nice hotel, relaxing, drinking, having a great time. During that weekend I had pledged to myself that I would let the baby obsession go for a while...the whole time I was doing the complete opposite- I was thinking how amazing it would be to conceive on our anniversary weekend lol. Obviously that didn't happen, and here we are nearing that time again. I asked myself if I thought I could ever let this go. I want to be care free, somehow I feel like once I stop freaking myself out things will fall into place. I asked myself something else- were hubby and I even strong enough to be parents yet? Were we stable enough in life to create and care for another precious brands nee life? Emotionally I am there, 100%. Physically I'm not in the best shape. I finally got my thyroid in order, but I certainly dont take good care of myself. Financially we're not struggling right now, but we dont have a lot of extras. But even that doesn't concern me...what I really think needs to happen is us getting a house. Maybe I am being traditional and sentimental right now because I'm feeling pretty old this week lol!! Either way, I just know I see things falling into place a certain way and I feel like I'd be fooling myself if I said I didn't want the American dream.
anyhow... I had a Dr appointment today, basically it was just to see how my body was reacting to the Provera. I had a period every time I took it, but didn't have any without it. Clearly it's going to be that way forever. The Dr is still set on thinking that I have pcos. I'm not sure I believe that or not- but regardless of that we're going about treatment like that's the issue. Today she told me she would call me in a prescription for Clomid- she said if I took it she wanted me back in 3 months, and if i chickened out then I didn't have to come in for 6 months lol...she said hopefully she would be seeing me sooner than the 3 months because it worked. Well silly me being the crazed woman I am; I went to pick the clomid up instantly and for whatever reason they only filled the provera. This was me being superstitious -but I took it as a sign it won't work haha! I can laugh about it, but lord knows I am going to lose it when this doesn't work. She mentioned the risk of multiples and I told her I would gladly take that challenge on! I would for sure welcome two babies when I never expected one...but that is besides the point.
I want this to work...
I'm going to call the pharmacy tomorrow and see if the clomid wasn't called in or something.
&& then I'm going to try this, I'm going to give in and risk completely failing. This will be my first time actually trying a fertility treatment of any type. I have always tried diet, supplements and other things- that was never this scary. I dont know why it feels so different now. I just can't let myself get my hopes up. So many women don't benefit from using provera and clomid. I dont want to just be another statistic.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Is infertility seriously ruining my marriage? WTF!
I decided today that my TTC journey, while emotionally up and down, has not been nearly as devastating as other blogs I read. I've never gotten pregnant, never gotten my hopes up, never saw the BFP test result- but I've also never lost a pregnancy after trying so long and finally feeling like the wait was over. I wouldn't wish that on anyone in the world. With that being said though, I still can't help but feel like my life is miserably incomplete. I get so angry when I find out people are pregnant, infertility has made me a bitter hag, but regardless of that I know every woman deserves to be a mother if that's what she wants.
A fellow employee recently found out she was pregnant. I don't know her well (or her boy friend that also works with us) but she is young, and the pregnancy was unexpected. Today she was sent home from work early due to her morning sickness. For reasons no one there really knows, I got all emotional and grumpy because I would do anything for a little morning sickness. That sounds weird doesn't it? But I think anyone TTC would understand. Of course being sick all the time is awful! lol But the reasoning behind it would certainly be welcomed by myself and many other women out there.
Emotionally I am so far down I don't see a way back up, ever. Hubby and I are fighting constantly. I read an article on how to NOT let infertility ruin your marriage-well it didn't do me much good. I have so much on my mind. Every second of the day is consumed with babies, money, moving, and putting together the pieces of a marriage I'm not even sure is repairable at this point. A friend told me, maybe we're not having a baby because it's just not meant to be between us (since we are so unhappy right now). I suppose that could be true but the issue there is that we were always so happy until all of this started. So I don't believe that is true. All of the stress, and always keeping my feelings to myself just got too much to handle. When I had a small meltdown and hubby said he didn't want kids anyways, well that was when things started to go down hill. I just wish I could go back to 2011 and just forget I was ever told I couldn't have kids. Before it was a reality to me that it was likely never going to happen, it just didn't bother me. Doesn't mean I was oblivious, I always knew, but it wasn't official ya' know. Maybe that's stupid. I just never thought about it in such a doomsday mentality. Now, and every day for the rest of my life, all I will ever think about is not being able to get pregnant.
I have so little hope left I just don't see the point in saying I'm trying...because I suppose I'm not anymore. I'm just going through the motions of life, not even having a flicker of "maybe someday". I've settled on never, && that's a hell of a lonely and depressing place to be.
A fellow employee recently found out she was pregnant. I don't know her well (or her boy friend that also works with us) but she is young, and the pregnancy was unexpected. Today she was sent home from work early due to her morning sickness. For reasons no one there really knows, I got all emotional and grumpy because I would do anything for a little morning sickness. That sounds weird doesn't it? But I think anyone TTC would understand. Of course being sick all the time is awful! lol But the reasoning behind it would certainly be welcomed by myself and many other women out there.
Emotionally I am so far down I don't see a way back up, ever. Hubby and I are fighting constantly. I read an article on how to NOT let infertility ruin your marriage-well it didn't do me much good. I have so much on my mind. Every second of the day is consumed with babies, money, moving, and putting together the pieces of a marriage I'm not even sure is repairable at this point. A friend told me, maybe we're not having a baby because it's just not meant to be between us (since we are so unhappy right now). I suppose that could be true but the issue there is that we were always so happy until all of this started. So I don't believe that is true. All of the stress, and always keeping my feelings to myself just got too much to handle. When I had a small meltdown and hubby said he didn't want kids anyways, well that was when things started to go down hill. I just wish I could go back to 2011 and just forget I was ever told I couldn't have kids. Before it was a reality to me that it was likely never going to happen, it just didn't bother me. Doesn't mean I was oblivious, I always knew, but it wasn't official ya' know. Maybe that's stupid. I just never thought about it in such a doomsday mentality. Now, and every day for the rest of my life, all I will ever think about is not being able to get pregnant.
I have so little hope left I just don't see the point in saying I'm trying...because I suppose I'm not anymore. I'm just going through the motions of life, not even having a flicker of "maybe someday". I've settled on never, && that's a hell of a lonely and depressing place to be.
Monday, June 9, 2014
hubby dropped a bomb on me this week.
well I skipped the provera this month and while I feel like AF could happen on it's own I'm not really sure. It worked both months I took it, like clock work- 3 days after stopping the 10 day supply I started. But I really hate how they make me feel. I'm honestly not used to the hormones of a monthly. I mean, I have mood swings all the time, but AF makes me a crazy woman lol. Poor hubby can't even handle me! I'm not supposed to go back to the OB for another couple of months- but I've been wanting to talk to her about trying Clomid, even if i dont expect it to work. she mentioned it to me last time i was there. I've experiencing a lot of pain in my right pelvic/ovary area. I'm assuming it's a cyst, thats what it feels like to me. I just hate not having a normal functional reproductive system...it's just such a hassle. Life in general is a pain in the ass!
I changed jobs again for the millionth time this year...thats basically why I didn't take the provera- I wanted to avoid a period this month with all of the changes, I just wasn't feeling it lol! With my luck I will have one anyhow! I was doing really well, not really thinking about having a baby, not obsessing about my broken lady parts...just living. That is until 2 days ago- hubby said he doesn't want kids anymore. That broke my heart! I don't know when him and I got on different pages. It's like we aren't even in the same universe! He says it's just not important to him anymore and that after all the waiting around he's decided it's for the best...he doesn't want to be a dad. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom. there were plenty of times I said I didn't want them because it was just easier than admitting I couldn't have them. But damn- I've always dreamt about being a mom. Of course in my dreams it's a beautiful little baby girl with dark curly hair and big brown eyes, but I'd take an adorable little boy too! I cried that night, thinking that I failed as a woman- that I made him have to wait so long to be a dad that he just stopped caring.
I just feel really defeated right now :/
I changed jobs again for the millionth time this year...thats basically why I didn't take the provera- I wanted to avoid a period this month with all of the changes, I just wasn't feeling it lol! With my luck I will have one anyhow! I was doing really well, not really thinking about having a baby, not obsessing about my broken lady parts...just living. That is until 2 days ago- hubby said he doesn't want kids anymore. That broke my heart! I don't know when him and I got on different pages. It's like we aren't even in the same universe! He says it's just not important to him anymore and that after all the waiting around he's decided it's for the best...he doesn't want to be a dad. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom. there were plenty of times I said I didn't want them because it was just easier than admitting I couldn't have them. But damn- I've always dreamt about being a mom. Of course in my dreams it's a beautiful little baby girl with dark curly hair and big brown eyes, but I'd take an adorable little boy too! I cried that night, thinking that I failed as a woman- that I made him have to wait so long to be a dad that he just stopped caring.
I just feel really defeated right now :/
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
holidays are a drag for those of us TTC
Okay so AF is done, it lasted about 5-6 days and it was really normal, I was expecting it to be really heavy and intense because it's been so long....but to my surprise it was bearable lol! No complaints there. I know provera doesn't make you ovulate, but with that in mind I am Still hoping I will. I mean, there are some cases where women get pregnant while taking provera....a girl can dream right? But regardless of my dreaming, I am not expecting that type of outcome, so I can't be let down. That's honestly how I have grown to look at this whole thing- not positively or negatively really, just no expectations, no let downs. It makes life a little easier. In the end of course I know what outcome I would prefer-but I can't make myself sick and miserable over it. This is just the journey, I have no clue what the end will be-but I know one way or another (whether DE, or adoption) I will be a mother. So yeah, the outcome will be positive either way. I am discouraged too often in life, with jobs and not having the ideal home, and driving a piece of shit car lol! I can't get discouraged about having a family. That just leads to a lot of trickle down, making everything else feel that much more unmanageable.
Spring is here in Ohio (sorta cause it snowed yesterday, wtf?) and of course I am thinking of Easter and Mothers Day. Two holidays I tend to dread for rather obvious reasons. Last year my sweet mother in law mentioned maybe next year we would have a baby by Easter. I remember writing a post about this- I was such a wreck, and when I went back and reread the post I was still a bit of a wreck because obviously there is no baby...So to anyone wondering if I have just turned the sadness off, no I haven't. That is just impossible. I had a funeral to attend earlier this week(my husbands side) and everyone kept asking us/me about children. I tried to brush it off as much as I could, but it got really old really fast. I wish there was a sign on my forehead that read "whatever you do, don't ask me about babies!" lol But of course we all know they'd still ask! :P You can only laugh and say "oh well, not yet, but maybe someday" so many times before eventually spitting out some obnoxious word vomit about not being able to have children...then of course comes the typical "oh honey, prayer cures everything" or "just relax..." comments we've all heard a million times. A year ago I would have walked out and had a mini meltdown in the car and tried to cover my smudged makeup so no one could tell I was a mess...But that day I handled myself well and just kept smiling and trying to change the subject. I've done a lot of changing and a lot of growing this past year or so. It's not all been for the best certainly, I have hardened myself to an extent that I'm not sure I will come back from- but for the most part, I've made leaps and bounds over my attitude and depression. I'm definitely less bitter, though today at work I saw someone I couldn't stand and she was pregnant- on the drive home I was rambling about it to myself. I started to say "another undeserving woman having a baby... blah blah blah..." but honestly I can't wish this on anyone, so who am I to say she shouldn't have a baby? It just sucks that's all! Lol
I don't know, I'm sure I will hear million more"maybe this time next year you'll be a mom" comments and "anxious to be a grandparent" speech- and maybe just maybe I will be able to go back and tell these people they were right. But until then I will just keep trying. That's all I can do :)
Spring is here in Ohio (sorta cause it snowed yesterday, wtf?) and of course I am thinking of Easter and Mothers Day. Two holidays I tend to dread for rather obvious reasons. Last year my sweet mother in law mentioned maybe next year we would have a baby by Easter. I remember writing a post about this- I was such a wreck, and when I went back and reread the post I was still a bit of a wreck because obviously there is no baby...So to anyone wondering if I have just turned the sadness off, no I haven't. That is just impossible. I had a funeral to attend earlier this week(my husbands side) and everyone kept asking us/me about children. I tried to brush it off as much as I could, but it got really old really fast. I wish there was a sign on my forehead that read "whatever you do, don't ask me about babies!" lol But of course we all know they'd still ask! :P You can only laugh and say "oh well, not yet, but maybe someday" so many times before eventually spitting out some obnoxious word vomit about not being able to have children...then of course comes the typical "oh honey, prayer cures everything" or "just relax..." comments we've all heard a million times. A year ago I would have walked out and had a mini meltdown in the car and tried to cover my smudged makeup so no one could tell I was a mess...But that day I handled myself well and just kept smiling and trying to change the subject. I've done a lot of changing and a lot of growing this past year or so. It's not all been for the best certainly, I have hardened myself to an extent that I'm not sure I will come back from- but for the most part, I've made leaps and bounds over my attitude and depression. I'm definitely less bitter, though today at work I saw someone I couldn't stand and she was pregnant- on the drive home I was rambling about it to myself. I started to say "another undeserving woman having a baby... blah blah blah..." but honestly I can't wish this on anyone, so who am I to say she shouldn't have a baby? It just sucks that's all! Lol
I don't know, I'm sure I will hear million more"maybe this time next year you'll be a mom" comments and "anxious to be a grandparent" speech- and maybe just maybe I will be able to go back and tell these people they were right. But until then I will just keep trying. That's all I can do :)
Monday, April 14, 2014
Hello AF! Provera and POF? Has it worked for anyone else?
Well, again it has been a long time since I posted! Lifes been up and down, round and round...just kinda hectic. Started yet another job-actually I went through a couple this winter. It was kind of a shitty time for a couple months! Worst winter ever! But that's another blog lol. I started seeing a new OB, she is no RE, but she is really smart and really open minded. She did some blood work and such, but she was convinced I was misdiagnosed with POF. She is convinced I have PCOS instead-which I always thought I had until I was told I had POF. She put me on Provera to attempt to bring on a period. I was a bit rude to her because everything she was doing was supporting her theory of what was wrong with me. I told her I would take the Provera just to prove her wrong (lol doctors just love me btw, I am such a cooperative patient). I have always heard, and read, that if provera doesn't induce a period that you may have pof, so I told her when it didn't work I would call her and let her know that she was wrong. She did some blood work, she said she would run the labs for pof, but I never heard back about it. Her office called back and was concerned with my thyroid levels, and asked me to come in for more labs and referred me to an endocrinologist. I haven't met with her yet, I go on the 28th. My OB said that a lot of my problems could stem from my thyroid level and that when I got that under control she would run more tests. Thats all I heard about that. I was starting to get pissy about my OB- thinking I got stuck with another Dr that didn't know crap about what was wrong with me. I've had a miserable case of me knowing more about pof than the DRs I've been seeing about it. So needless to say I was bitter and snippy about the provera- but alas, I must now eat my own words because it actually worked! I am currently visiting AF!!! It has been well over a year, probably closer to two years, since AF has been around. The only time I ever have a period is when I'm on BC, so when I went off of it three years ago, I dont know if I ever had another one honestly. So imagine my surprise when I started spotting and it gradually turned into a normal flow. So now I don't really know what to think. I'm not ready to start agreeing with her about being misdiagnosed with POF. I've not really found anything about provera 100% NOT working for someone with POF, so in my mind I could just be one of the people it works for. But either way, I am excited that it brought on AF, I never thought I'd see her again lol!
Hopefully I can get my thyroid under control and go back to my OB with some kind of good news. She gave me a three month supply of the provera, and wants to see me back in six months to see how the progress is coming along. She said something about trying Clomid- which of course I do not expect to work. But hell, I would probably try anything, especially since she was at least right about the provera working for me.
Anyhow, I will probably be writing a bit more to report any and all small successes. Here's hoping I get a step closer to figuring all this mess out, and a step closer to a BFP. :)
Hopefully I can get my thyroid under control and go back to my OB with some kind of good news. She gave me a three month supply of the provera, and wants to see me back in six months to see how the progress is coming along. She said something about trying Clomid- which of course I do not expect to work. But hell, I would probably try anything, especially since she was at least right about the provera working for me.
Anyhow, I will probably be writing a bit more to report any and all small successes. Here's hoping I get a step closer to figuring all this mess out, and a step closer to a BFP. :)
Friday, November 1, 2013
finished"taking a break". i wanna get real again!
Well it's been a while hasn't it?! I took a lot of time off from ttc, of course it is always in the back of your mind whether you're currently trying or on a break! It's something you never really forget about. DH and I celebrated out 1 year wedding anniversary on October 6th, it was a blast. We got a hotel and went to a horror movie convention that weekend (yeah we are addicted to horror movies lol!) Part of me obviously wanted to conceive that weekend, I don't think I really thought about it, but it was subconscious I'm sure.
I have not seen AF in so long I have forgotten what she's like lol. I hate that because I really do nothing to keep track of my cycle, or whether or not I ovulate. That was part of my giving up, or more positively"taking a break". The only thing i have been doing still is my multivitamins, but as far as dhea or any other supplement, i stopped taking them. And i haven't gone to the RE I was told to try by a friend. I really did just give up trying to increase my odds.
recently i had a yeast infection (tmi I'm sure!), every woman knows how bad those are! Ugh! It just took so long to get rid of, I've never had one like that before. I feel like it was some other issue, but eventually it went away so i never went to get it checked out. I'm just tired of having issues with my lady bits. It's so much easier to just ignore it lol! I am honestly blaming a lot of this on stress. I had started a new job and then i ended up quitting it within 3 months...it was just awful. My grandma passed away in August of ovarian cancer, and this job was so unwilling to work with me. So i was jobless and very stressed about money and life in general. I did start a new job recently tho! Everything has worked out with that luckily.
so yeah, with my luck picking up a little, ttc has popped back up for me. But DH is not really on board. I believe it is mostly because he remembers how miserable i was when we were trying strongly. Even tho he was not pumped about the idea, i started doing some more research. I settled on trying Vitex, or known as chaste berry to some. I have a woman at my new job that is suffering from pof as well and she started taking it two months ago and it brought back her monthly visits from AF! So, i ordered a tincture, and started today. I know it takes time, but i am hopeful! I am not thinking it will get me pregnant, nothing ever will most likely, but i really want AF back, and i want to at least lower my fsh and I've read a ton about vitex helping that! I wonder if anyone has had a crazy success story using thus herbal remedy? I've read a lot of studies and such, but real life stories are what i like the best. I know a blogger i read used a tincture of chaste berry and something else and she is having twins! Lol that would be something.
but yeah, life is still a mess, but i think it just needs some organization. :P
i am on my phone blogging and its really annoying! So this is all for now.
I have not seen AF in so long I have forgotten what she's like lol. I hate that because I really do nothing to keep track of my cycle, or whether or not I ovulate. That was part of my giving up, or more positively"taking a break". The only thing i have been doing still is my multivitamins, but as far as dhea or any other supplement, i stopped taking them. And i haven't gone to the RE I was told to try by a friend. I really did just give up trying to increase my odds.
recently i had a yeast infection (tmi I'm sure!), every woman knows how bad those are! Ugh! It just took so long to get rid of, I've never had one like that before. I feel like it was some other issue, but eventually it went away so i never went to get it checked out. I'm just tired of having issues with my lady bits. It's so much easier to just ignore it lol! I am honestly blaming a lot of this on stress. I had started a new job and then i ended up quitting it within 3 months...it was just awful. My grandma passed away in August of ovarian cancer, and this job was so unwilling to work with me. So i was jobless and very stressed about money and life in general. I did start a new job recently tho! Everything has worked out with that luckily.
so yeah, with my luck picking up a little, ttc has popped back up for me. But DH is not really on board. I believe it is mostly because he remembers how miserable i was when we were trying strongly. Even tho he was not pumped about the idea, i started doing some more research. I settled on trying Vitex, or known as chaste berry to some. I have a woman at my new job that is suffering from pof as well and she started taking it two months ago and it brought back her monthly visits from AF! So, i ordered a tincture, and started today. I know it takes time, but i am hopeful! I am not thinking it will get me pregnant, nothing ever will most likely, but i really want AF back, and i want to at least lower my fsh and I've read a ton about vitex helping that! I wonder if anyone has had a crazy success story using thus herbal remedy? I've read a lot of studies and such, but real life stories are what i like the best. I know a blogger i read used a tincture of chaste berry and something else and she is having twins! Lol that would be something.
but yeah, life is still a mess, but i think it just needs some organization. :P
i am on my phone blogging and its really annoying! So this is all for now.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Just popping back in for a little chit chat :P
Okay, not that anyone noticed I was gone lol! But I decided just to post again. I couldn't stay away forever. I started a new job, it's crazy and I really don't know if I am going to be able to catch on- I've never had so much trouble focusing on a job before, kinda stinks! The worst part of leaving my old job- not getting to spend the time with the friends I made there. My god son was born and I still haven't seen him. Part of me is simply alright with this, and the other part is devastated! He is the cutest little baby boy I've seen since my nephew was born back in 1999! lol I've just been so busy with my new job, and her and I keep different schedules now, it's been hard to make it over to see them.
At my new job a friend of mine that I've known for 5 years or so is currently pregnant. I can't wait for her to have the baby! She is only 16 weeks so there's a long wait lol! I've gotten to the point that I am no longer a bitter hag about other women getting pregnant- it's not their fault I am infertile! I'm happy for them, truly! It's a blessing to have a child, and I wouldn't want that taken away from someone, I know how it feels. So for now I am content and happy for my wonderful friends that are new mothers, and mothers to be!
Hubby has moved on from the idea of children to something else now. Not sure what he's focusing his time on, but he hasn't brought it up to me once. Maybe he is just being distant about it because I had a mild meltdown (lol wow!) or maybe he really just doesn't care about the subject anymore. Either way is fine honestly, if he has decided he no longer wants children then I guess he is a lucky man because I certainly show no improvements on the matter.
I stopped taking the DHEA a long time ago, then randomly yesterday I started taking it again. I don't know why, I literally hadn't even considered taking it again, I was going to dispose of them. Then I got a sudden urge to start up on my two a day regimen again. I am simply not ready to let go 100%, I'm not ready to just stop thinking about it, and trying little things that may help me. I'm not willing to focus all of my attention onto this problem anymore, in fact I am only willing to give it about 5-10% of my brain space lol! Do I still want it badly? Absolutely! You don't just turn that on and off, no matter how hard you try. But life isn't stopping because my ovarian functioning is shit, it keeps going despite all of that- and I need to keep going right along with it.
At my new job a friend of mine that I've known for 5 years or so is currently pregnant. I can't wait for her to have the baby! She is only 16 weeks so there's a long wait lol! I've gotten to the point that I am no longer a bitter hag about other women getting pregnant- it's not their fault I am infertile! I'm happy for them, truly! It's a blessing to have a child, and I wouldn't want that taken away from someone, I know how it feels. So for now I am content and happy for my wonderful friends that are new mothers, and mothers to be!
Hubby has moved on from the idea of children to something else now. Not sure what he's focusing his time on, but he hasn't brought it up to me once. Maybe he is just being distant about it because I had a mild meltdown (lol wow!) or maybe he really just doesn't care about the subject anymore. Either way is fine honestly, if he has decided he no longer wants children then I guess he is a lucky man because I certainly show no improvements on the matter.
I stopped taking the DHEA a long time ago, then randomly yesterday I started taking it again. I don't know why, I literally hadn't even considered taking it again, I was going to dispose of them. Then I got a sudden urge to start up on my two a day regimen again. I am simply not ready to let go 100%, I'm not ready to just stop thinking about it, and trying little things that may help me. I'm not willing to focus all of my attention onto this problem anymore, in fact I am only willing to give it about 5-10% of my brain space lol! Do I still want it badly? Absolutely! You don't just turn that on and off, no matter how hard you try. But life isn't stopping because my ovarian functioning is shit, it keeps going despite all of that- and I need to keep going right along with it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)