I decided today that my TTC journey, while emotionally up and down, has not been nearly as devastating as other blogs I read. I've never gotten pregnant, never gotten my hopes up, never saw the BFP test result- but I've also never lost a pregnancy after trying so long and finally feeling like the wait was over. I wouldn't wish that on anyone in the world. With that being said though, I still can't help but feel like my life is miserably incomplete. I get so angry when I find out people are pregnant, infertility has made me a bitter hag, but regardless of that I know every woman deserves to be a mother if that's what she wants.
A fellow employee recently found out she was pregnant. I don't know her well (or her boy friend that also works with us) but she is young, and the pregnancy was unexpected. Today she was sent home from work early due to her morning sickness. For reasons no one there really knows, I got all emotional and grumpy because I would do anything for a little morning sickness. That sounds weird doesn't it? But I think anyone TTC would understand. Of course being sick all the time is awful! lol But the reasoning behind it would certainly be welcomed by myself and many other women out there.
Emotionally I am so far down I don't see a way back up, ever. Hubby and I are fighting constantly. I read an article on how to NOT let infertility ruin your marriage-well it didn't do me much good. I have so much on my mind. Every second of the day is consumed with babies, money, moving, and putting together the pieces of a marriage I'm not even sure is repairable at this point. A friend told me, maybe we're not having a baby because it's just not meant to be between us (since we are so unhappy right now). I suppose that could be true but the issue there is that we were always so happy until all of this started. So I don't believe that is true. All of the stress, and always keeping my feelings to myself just got too much to handle. When I had a small meltdown and hubby said he didn't want kids anyways, well that was when things started to go down hill. I just wish I could go back to 2011 and just forget I was ever told I couldn't have kids. Before it was a reality to me that it was likely never going to happen, it just didn't bother me. Doesn't mean I was oblivious, I always knew, but it wasn't official ya' know. Maybe that's stupid. I just never thought about it in such a doomsday mentality. Now, and every day for the rest of my life, all I will ever think about is not being able to get pregnant.
I have so little hope left I just don't see the point in saying I'm trying...because I suppose I'm not anymore. I'm just going through the motions of life, not even having a flicker of "maybe someday". I've settled on never, && that's a hell of a lonely and depressing place to be.
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