Okay so AF is done, it lasted about 5-6 days and it was really normal, I was expecting it to be really heavy and intense because it's been so long....but to my surprise it was bearable lol! No complaints there. I know provera doesn't make you ovulate, but with that in mind I am Still hoping I will. I mean, there are some cases where women get pregnant while taking provera....a girl can dream right? But regardless of my dreaming, I am not expecting that type of outcome, so I can't be let down. That's honestly how I have grown to look at this whole thing- not positively or negatively really, just no expectations, no let downs. It makes life a little easier. In the end of course I know what outcome I would prefer-but I can't make myself sick and miserable over it. This is just the journey, I have no clue what the end will be-but I know one way or another (whether DE, or adoption) I will be a mother. So yeah, the outcome will be positive either way. I am discouraged too often in life, with jobs and not having the ideal home, and driving a piece of shit car lol! I can't get discouraged about having a family. That just leads to a lot of trickle down, making everything else feel that much more unmanageable.
Spring is here in Ohio (sorta cause it snowed yesterday, wtf?) and of course I am thinking of Easter and Mothers Day. Two holidays I tend to dread for rather obvious reasons. Last year my sweet mother in law mentioned maybe next year we would have a baby by Easter. I remember writing a post about this- I was such a wreck, and when I went back and reread the post I was still a bit of a wreck because obviously there is no baby...So to anyone wondering if I have just turned the sadness off, no I haven't. That is just impossible. I had a funeral to attend earlier this week(my husbands side) and everyone kept asking us/me about children. I tried to brush it off as much as I could, but it got really old really fast. I wish there was a sign on my forehead that read "whatever you do, don't ask me about babies!" lol But of course we all know they'd still ask! :P You can only laugh and say "oh well, not yet, but maybe someday" so many times before eventually spitting out some obnoxious word vomit about not being able to have children...then of course comes the typical "oh honey, prayer cures everything" or "just relax..." comments we've all heard a million times. A year ago I would have walked out and had a mini meltdown in the car and tried to cover my smudged makeup so no one could tell I was a mess...But that day I handled myself well and just kept smiling and trying to change the subject. I've done a lot of changing and a lot of growing this past year or so. It's not all been for the best certainly, I have hardened myself to an extent that I'm not sure I will come back from- but for the most part, I've made leaps and bounds over my attitude and depression. I'm definitely less bitter, though today at work I saw someone I couldn't stand and she was pregnant- on the drive home I was rambling about it to myself. I started to say "another undeserving woman having a baby... blah blah blah..." but honestly I can't wish this on anyone, so who am I to say she shouldn't have a baby? It just sucks that's all! Lol
I don't know, I'm sure I will hear million more"maybe this time next year you'll be a mom" comments and "anxious to be a grandparent" speech- and maybe just maybe I will be able to go back and tell these people they were right. But until then I will just keep trying. That's all I can do :)
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