Selfish, crazy, need therapy?

I suppose a little lot more background will go into this post. Here goes.

Like I said, I was diagnosed with POF at the age of 23, that was two years ago. When I got the diagnosis my now husband and I had only been dating for two years and honestly had not discussed kids much. I always wanted kids most of my childhood and then I grew up and decided I didn't need a family. I wasn't going to get married, and I wasn't going to have kids. That was the plan.

Well I got married, so that ruined part of it right? lol (I lovelovelove my husband)

Anyhow, so when I got told I was infertile I was like okay no big deal....I didn't want kids anyhow. Boy was I wrong about how big of a deal it really was. My husband knows we can't have kids, and he is still okay with it because he doesn't want any right now. The key words, and everyone will agree, are right now. Problem there, right now is not a mind frame we can be in, it is more like never ever.

I came home from the OBGYN that day with a referral to an RE, I never went. Still to this day I have not gone back to the doctor at all, for anything. I don't take birth control, I don't do HRT, no "hey little lady parts start working again" medicine. All I do take is 1200 mg of calcium for my bones, and a yummy gummy vitamin for women! I had some other health concerns that day so I do try to follow a low carb/low sugar diet, my blodd sugar was a little out of whack and my thyroid is beyond crazy. I knew that from when I was 18, I was put on 125mcg's of some thyroid medicine (yeah in case you're wondering that is a high dose, I started out on 25) I just wish that doctor had been more thorough back then. I wish he would have noticed my small ovaries meant something, the girl that did my ultrasound even said it was strange I had NO FOLLICLES! (at 18 I had zip-zero-nada follies, that's sad) Really....

I'm sure I should get back into the OB to figure some things out, or maybe break down and see the RE, but there is a little thing called insurance that I am currently lacking, and IF is not an inexpensive thing to treat.

That all leads me to now, I have not had a visit from flow in a year or maybe even longer. My emotions are every where, night sweats, hot flashes/flushes whatever...awful junk. Then randomly last week my hubby decided to say something along these lines "well I can't lie babe, sometimes I feel it would be easier if we had a kid now. Now that I am 30, I feel like it's something I could warm up to." Okay hubby, you're great, but really? I haven't talked to him about this much at all really, he doesn't know anything about POF, how impossible it is for me to have children, and how much pain I am currently going through over all of this. So I guess I can't blame the guy. He just assumes it will be easier now then later, not really the case dear.

When did the emotional train ride begin? When my friend lost her baby sometime last year her and I got very close and I confided in her about me not being able to have children and that sometimes it was difficult to think about because once you get told you can't it is no longer a choice. and that is hard. it was always just that I didn't want them. Well, she became pregnant again about 6 months after she lost her daughter. Sweet thing didn't even want to tell me she was pregnant, but she did, and she asked me to be the god mother. I of course was over the moon for her; but then things took a bad turn for me. It is selfish isn't it? Being angry that someone is pregnant and doing well after she had lost her first baby? It's more then selfish it is terrible, makes me a miserably bad person! I love her to pieces, I am so excited for her, I just got her baby shower girft in the mail and it made me burst into tears...but I'm happy for her, aren't I?

I didn't expect this to be so difficult. I really need to talk this stuff out with my husband. I just can't.