I'm in bed...at 1 in the afternoon... depression has seriously taken over my life. I can't sleep at night. My thoughts swarm like a bunch of killer bees, attacking my brain, removing any thoughts that could possibly seem hopeful or even slightly happy. I have told only 5 people about TTC, none of which are my family. I don't want to disappoint them. One of those people is having a hard time in her life right now also and we simply have the attitude of "IDGAF" right now. In case you can't figure that out...we really just don't care about anything. It's so difficult to pretend I am doing okay right now. Every thought is negative, I am screaming inside for answers no one can give me. My friend says only time can answer my questions, but what do you do when time is running out? I look at my journey to motherhood as a lost cause; in my mind I see an hour glass I can't flip over to restart the time...once it's done, time is just lost. Everyone I come across has such strong faith in God, I will be 100% honest and say I do not share in that faith. No one can tell me that God is at work in my life right now, no one knows my personal battles with Him. I have struggled with whether or not he exist my whole life, and now it's even harder to believe he has a "plan" for my infertility ... seriously, what does that even mean? I am not trying to dispute any ones faith, this is absolutely a very personal topic, everyone has their own relationship with who they view as the creator. I am not here to judge that and hope no one else reading this is either. I am simply angry with God or whoever is in charge. I'm angry that I sit by watching countless people in my family losing their children into the system because of drugs. I'm angry I have to hear about abortions being used like a method of birth control. I'm angry everyone around me gets to experience the one thing I want the most. I've never been more bitter in my life. I hate to say people are undeserving of motherhood because who am I to determine that? But I can't help but feel so many people take it for granted. I honestly don't know what makes me so unworthy of producing a child, I don't know what I ever did to end up one of the unfortunate souls to be cursed with IF. How does God decide what women get it and what women dont? I've never been the type to pray and I don't look at what I say as a prayer at all. I am yelling, talking, cursing, anything but praying. Is it so wrong to want answers? I had a woman tell me God didn't make me infertile ...well then who the hell did? Cause I certainly know it wasn't my choice and I didn't do anything to make my ovaries want to stop functioning! That was just one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. If you believe in God, and believe he created you, and knows your path from the very start...then how can you say he didn't make me infertile. That's like saying he didn't make me a girl...and at this point I feel about half a woman anyhow.
I told hubby last night I just wanted to feel like a normal woman. He told me he loved me regardless and that to him I was the perfect woman. I finally told him I was reading these blogs - but not about writing my own. He said he understood and didn't judge me about it. It hurts me to the very core of my soul to know I wont make this man a father. He never comes right out and says it, but I know he wants it. He has mentioned having a kid to share all his cool stuff with, and letting our kids watch scary movies and raising them on 80s and 90s cartoons lol. It makes me smile, but breaks my heart at the same time.
I'm sorry I am such a drag
And sorry I am so miserable.
I don't want to feel this way,
You all know that right?
:/
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