Today has been a strange day for me. It simply feels like everything is dragging on and on! It is now 2pm and it feels like it should be 6pm (the time of my last class today! I have a huge break in between my classes.) I just got done watching a documentary in my diversity class that was just really emotional. I am close to this teacher, and while she doesn't know everything that is going on with me right now, she does know I am going through a lot. So when I teared up and left the class during this film she followed me to ask me if I was okay and I just kind of unleashed on her most of what I am doing right now with TTC, and looking for a new job, and school, and stress.stress.stress. She was so nice about it, and the whole time while she was talking I felt like she had been through something like this before. Finally towards the end of our conversation she mentioned it took her 5 years of trying to have her 1 child, her son. I could feel pride and sadness in her voice all at once. It made me feel light, so many times I feel burdened by this, even when someones success story fills me with happiness for them I still feel heavily burdened for myself. such a pity party,I know! But her story, though I don't even know the details-only that she would bother sharing it with me her student- made me literally smile from ear to ear.
Another dream happened last night, I was holding my new born baby boy, I remember just smiling at him, and spreading a part his little baby fingers and counting them. weird right? lol All I specifically remember saying was "Do you know how hard I tried for you little guy? Do you know everything mommy had to go through? I want you to know it was all worth it."
While my normal reaction would be to write about how miserable this made me, today I am taking a different route. At first it really did make me miserable. Then I told one of my friends from school that I was TTC, she knows my situation. I told her everything I was doing, supplements, dieting, charting, etc. and she kindly asked "is this going to work?" I told her I really didn't know and that I really felt I was denying myself a certain quality of life just for something that most likely wont work. Then what she said next made me feel so close to her as a friend. She said "you've gotta stay hopeful about all of this. That's the best way to make things happen." Of course I tell myself this, and it is common sense, but it felt nice to hear it from someone else...then the conversation with my teacher...I can't completely chalk my situation up to a big fat loss and still try for a baby...that just seems like a little bit of self fulfilling prophecy or some crap! lol
I feel like sometimes I don't get enough support, simply because I don't ask for it. That's why I italicized the word mommy in my dream, what mommy had to go through...I feel like I am going through everything alone. That is not hubby's fault, nor is it my mother in laws fault, or my mom, or my sister, or my friends, or.or.or...It's my fault. On a similar note-
I found an Etsy shop I really like, and a necklace I really considered purchasing (actually a couple, I also love this this one).Then I thought it would be silly to buy it for myself. Why? I'm not sure, that's just how I felt about it at the time. Normally people give these as gifts to someone struggling. This is the necklace. Not sure if anyone is familiar with the story here, but it does have a little background in the description of the necklace. Is it silly to buy this for myself? I feel like this is my personal struggle, and so it would be okay to buy myself a reminder of what I am working towards, for when I am discouraged. While hubby knows he wants a kid, and I can't easily give him one, I feel like he would be more content to go childless, or even just wait a long time and adopt. We are not on the same emotional level with this I feel. Sometimes he says something that absolutely makes me feel he is with me and is sad for our potential failure to conceive. Then some days it seems he is unfazed. Possibly because I am the reason, I am the failing one. That is why I am so obsessive.
Anyhow, I feel a little more positive about my situation today. Maybe I am riding a high from feeling the healthiest I've felt in a long time, or maybe a little support from friends really does go a long way.
Thank you
everyone.
I needed today.
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