The search for a good RE in Ohio...Seems like a waste of time!

Well, I haven't felt like posting in a while. My last post was just a mess of emotions boiling over. I haven't really talked to anyone lately, I just decided keeping to myself was the best idea for keeping sanity!

I went away over the weekend to my home town and stayed with my mom. I hadn't seen her in a couple months. We've always had a strange relationship, but no matter how much I say I don't need her it's obvious I do. She's my mom, my best friend! She didn't really know a whole lot about my IF problem. She also didn't know I was TTC, last she knew I was content with not having children. So of course it came as a shock to her that I was such a wreck about having POF now. She said she is set on finding me a good Dr. up in Northern Ohio (where I am from) because I am having trouble down here. The OBGYN that gave me the stats on POF did recommend a RE, but my insurance ran out before I could get to see her. So maybe as soon as I get my new insurance I will go back in and try to see her, though I owe the office some money. So I'm not sure when I will see a RE. I've only talked to one through this whole process and ended up with the same sad story as everyone else. Medical professionals can be so cold sometimes. You would think someone dealing with patients suffering from IF would have more of a heart. Guess not.

I've been taking that DHEA now for almost a month. I haven't noticed side effects but then hubby says I am really irritable since taking it, but I can't say that has anymore to do with DHEA than it does my overall quality of life right now. I have been noticing I started breaking out, which is something I have never had to deal with in my life. My skin has always been perfect. So I don't really know if it's doing anything good for me or if it is making me feel worse. I am going to give it more time,

Sometimes I wonder if I really have POF, there are symptoms I have that I've never read about anyone else having. Then I get scared because the alternatives aren't great either and I know some of these things are not at all an option for what's wrong (specifically STD's). I constantly feel pressure in my lower abdomen, I always say it's my ovaries letting me know they hate me lol. Sometimes I experience sharp pains in my vagina. Someone told me to look into PID (pelvic inflammatory disease) but it is commonly caused by a bacterial STD like gonorrhea and chlamydia and I have never had either of those. My ultrasounds have never shown and cysts, and honestly I just can't figure it out. It kinda feels like period pains, cramps and the sharp jabs I used to get during my menstrual cycle. But I never have a period, and I've never really noticed any pattern or regularity with the pain, it's kind of all the time. Suppose I need to discuss this with the doctor when I go. Ovarian cancer runs in my family, and lots of other ovarian related issues, my poor family got the shit end of that stick. It makes me nervous. I just don't want to deal with any more heartless doctors. That's half the reason I played it off like I didn't want kids, because the struggle to conceive while having to deal with asshole doctors just sounds miserable.

Oh well.

Overwhelming sadness and anger...what next?

I'm in bed...at 1 in the afternoon... depression has seriously taken over my life. I can't sleep at night. My thoughts swarm like a bunch of killer bees, attacking my brain, removing any thoughts that could possibly seem hopeful or even slightly happy. I have told only 5 people about TTC, none of which are my family. I don't want to disappoint them. One of those people is having a hard time in her life right now also and we simply have the attitude of "IDGAF" right now. In case you can't figure that out...we really just don't care about anything. It's so difficult to pretend I am doing okay right now. Every thought is negative, I am screaming inside for answers no one can give me. My friend says only time can answer my questions,  but what do you do when time is running out? I look at my journey to motherhood as a lost cause; in my mind I see an hour glass I can't flip over to restart the time...once it's done, time is just lost. Everyone I come across has such strong faith in God, I will be 100% honest and say I do not share in that faith. No one can tell me that God is at work in my life right now, no one knows my personal battles with Him. I have struggled with whether or not he exist my whole life, and now it's even harder to believe he has a "plan" for my infertility ... seriously,  what does that even mean? I am not trying to dispute any ones faith, this is absolutely a very personal topic, everyone has their own relationship with who they view as the creator. I am not here to judge that and hope no one else reading this is either. I am simply angry with God or whoever is in charge. I'm angry that I sit by watching countless people in my family losing their children into the system because of drugs. I'm angry I have to hear about abortions being used like a method of birth control. I'm angry everyone around me gets to experience the one thing I want the most. I've never been more bitter in my life. I hate to say people are undeserving of motherhood because who am I to determine that? But I can't help but feel so many people take it for granted. I honestly don't know what makes me so unworthy of producing a child, I don't know what I ever did to end up one of the unfortunate souls to be cursed with IF. How does God decide what women get it and what women dont? I've never been the type to pray and I don't look at what I say as a prayer at all. I am yelling, talking, cursing, anything but praying. Is it so wrong to want answers? I had a woman tell me God didn't make me infertile ...well then who the hell did? Cause I certainly know it wasn't my choice and I didn't do anything to make my ovaries want to stop functioning! That was just one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. If you believe in God, and believe he created you, and knows your path from the very start...then how can you say he didn't make me infertile. That's like saying he didn't make me a girl...and at this point I feel about half a woman anyhow.

I told hubby last night I just wanted to feel like a normal woman. He told me he loved me regardless and that to him I was the perfect woman. I finally told him I was reading these blogs - but not about writing my own. He said he understood and didn't judge me about it. It hurts me to the very core of my soul to know I wont make this man a father. He never comes right out and says it, but I know he wants it. He has mentioned having a kid to share all his cool stuff with, and letting our kids watch scary movies and raising them on 80s and 90s cartoons lol. It makes me smile,  but breaks my heart at the same time.

I'm sorry I am such a drag
And sorry I am so miserable.
I don't want to feel this way,
You all know that right?
:/

How long is too long?

I am actively reading other bloggers posts about their IF journeys and sometimes this gives me strength to keep trying and other times it makes me feel worse about my situation. How these women can keep on trying for all these years is beyond me. I simply do not understand how they can stay strong that long. I know for a fact I would not be able to do it, I can barely do it now. For the last two years hubby and I haven't been "trying" but we haven't been preventing either. I don't know if I include this in my TTC timeline or if I just start from last month when I got serious about having a baby. It's been a concern of mine for at least a year, so I suppose I will say I've been TTC for a little over one year. There's a blog I read where this woman has been trying for 10 years! Obviously she has struggled and still does, but she remains positive through it all, and here I am barely holding it together.

I am in between insurance companies right now, I was on my dad's insurance (where I could have remained until I was 26 had I not gotten married) and now the insurance my current job offers is awful and way to expensive for how cruddy it is. So I gathered up all of my pay stubs for the last month and I am headed for this clinic a couple towns over. They go off your income, and I know I will still pay a good amount but it's the only place that will take me without insurance. A good friend of mine suggested I go there, and it's the place that did my grandma's free cancer screening that found out she had ovarian cancer. So I trust them. I just don't know how much they can help me. It's only an OBGYN, but I did read on the website they offer some help with IF problems. So we will see I suppose. I need to set up an appointment, but I am nervous. I figure I will wait until after finals week.

I feel like I have completely lost my mind this week. There is a younger girl at my job that has been lying about a pregnancy for months now and it's close to her "due date" and she is quitting. I try not to say much about it when other staff members bring it to my attention that she is so obviously not pregnant, but last night it really got to me and I got fired up about it. I ran my mouth to a manager about how some of us can't have kids and that karma was gonna bite her in the ass and blah blah blah...I feel bad assuming someone would lie about this, but I absolutely feel it in my gut that she is. She's young, only about 18, and has had a hard year....but there's no excuse for this. I just want her to leave, be out of my sight so that I don't end up going off on her! I feel so angry around her that I literally feel like I could hit her...Who does something like this?

Anyhow, that's about all I have to say.

Quick post to occupy my time doing laundry :)

I am at my favorite place right now ...the laundry mat! Yeah, uh, not really it stinks coming here! The place we live in currently has no washer and dryer hook ups. Super lame.

Its storming out, I love it! I love the sound of thunder and I love rain! Only problem is I left the windows open at home and it is without a doubt raining in and scaring my poor cats! Oh well, I'm not going out in this just to shut the window. When I left it was fine, just cloudy lol.

I have finally decided to take a year off school and just focus on work and getting some stuff situated in life. I don't feel bad about this choice because I know it's what's best right now. I talked to hubby and he is fine with it. I have a decent job so its not like we aren't surviving. Yeah, I know what some people will say about me "giving up" but I'm okay with that too because I know I will go back and finish when I'm ready. Honestly I feel good about this, I don't look at it as I'm giving up, I am just taking an extended break to take care of some other things in life.

I ended up not ovulating. So that sucks. I've been taking this DHEA a couple weeks or so,  I know any good things that can happen from taking this don't just happen over night. So far I'm not having any side effects which is good! I'm not sure if I wrote about this or not, but we decided that if we don't have a baby in 4 years we will adopt. I honestly don't think I can keep trying that long...hopefully we wont have to!

Mood swings

Started an unexpected fight with  hubby tonight and then took off on a drive. I've lived in this part of Ohio for a few years but I honestly don't know my way around so needless to say I got lost on my drive in the country. Smart move. The truth is, I want nothing to do with anyone right now. I just want to run away.

Late after the baby shower when I was trying to sleep I ended up just laying there crying. I wanted hubby to know something was wrong and just walk in and save me. Stupid right? I don't want to have to say something is wrong because I simply don't want to say the words "I just want a damn baby!" In my head I was screaming profanity at 'God' and all I could do was cry for hours it seemed and hubby never knew. Maybe tonight that's why I got angrier than I normally would have when he says dumb guy stuff lol. That's a total crazy woman thing to do. Whatever

I'm writing this from the parking lot of a gas station I managed to find in the middle of no where. I know how to get home from here ...I just don't feel like going back yet. I made an ass of myself and he doesn't even know why I am so upset these last couple weeks. I had told him my friends baby shower was going to be depressing for me, his answer was to just not go then. I told him id be fine, just a little sad, so I was too embarrassed to really tell him how I felt. Worst part about all of this, I don't give him the chance to show how supportive he is, I just assume he wont know what to say to help me and keep it to myself. He's a great man, but has very little experience with relationships and sometimes I just don't give him enough credit.

Bleh, I wish I wasn't so crazy. Does this ever get any easier? Wow

Survived the baby shower

Quick post, today was friends baby shower and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I held my other friends 3 week old daughter the entire time I was there practically. I believe I mentioned her in my last post, saying insensitive dumb stuff. But today she was really sweet and told me I could hold her baby as long as I wanted because she knows how hard I felt today. All three of us are friends, and all three of us have had great emotional loss due to children. Their physical loss of a child is far different from my loss of fertility, but we all understand each other. It was nice honestly.

I am still riding on a high from holding that baby and loving that little girl! I don't feel sad for myself yet; I'm sure I will soon.

I love my
friends though

Always there
for each other!

<3

Is it weird to buy yourself a fertility necklace?

Today has been a strange day for me. It simply feels like everything is dragging on and on! It is now 2pm and it feels like it should be 6pm (the time of my last class today! I have a huge break in between my classes.) I just got done watching a documentary in my diversity class that was just really emotional. I am close to this teacher, and while she doesn't know everything that is going on with me right now, she does know I am going through a lot. So when I teared up and left the class during this film she followed me to ask me if I was okay and I just kind of unleashed on her most of what I am doing right now with TTC, and looking for a new job, and school, and stress.stress.stress. She was so nice about it, and the whole time while she was talking I felt like she had been through something like this before. Finally towards the end of our conversation she mentioned it took her 5 years of trying to have her 1 child, her son. I could feel pride and sadness in her voice all at once. It made me feel light, so many times I feel burdened by this, even when someones success story fills me with happiness for them I still feel heavily burdened for myself. such a pity party,I know! But her story, though I don't even know the details-only that she would bother sharing it with me her student- made me literally smile from ear to ear.

Another dream happened last night, I was holding my new born baby boy, I remember just smiling at him, and spreading a part his little baby fingers and counting them. weird right? lol All I specifically remember saying was "Do you know how hard I tried for you little guy? Do you know everything mommy had to go through? I want you to know it was all worth it."

While my normal reaction would be to write about how miserable this made me, today I am taking a different route. At first it really did make me miserable. Then I told one of my friends from school that I was TTC, she knows my situation. I told her everything I was doing, supplements, dieting, charting, etc. and she kindly asked "is this going to work?" I told her I really didn't know and that I really felt I was denying myself a certain quality of life just for something that most likely wont work. Then what she said next made me feel so close to her as a friend. She said "you've gotta stay hopeful about all of this. That's the best way to make things happen." Of course I tell myself this, and it is common sense, but it felt nice to hear it from someone else...then the conversation with my teacher...I can't completely chalk my situation up to a big fat loss and still try for a baby...that just seems like a little bit of self fulfilling prophecy or some crap! lol

I feel like sometimes I don't get enough support, simply because I don't ask for it. That's why I italicized the word mommy in my dream, what mommy had to go through...I feel like I am going through everything alone. That is not hubby's fault, nor is it my mother in laws fault, or my mom, or my sister, or my friends, or.or.or...It's my fault. On a similar note-
I found an Etsy shop I really like, and a necklace I really considered purchasing (actually a couple, I also love this this one).Then I thought it would be silly to buy it for myself. Why? I'm not sure, that's just how I felt about it at the time. Normally people give these as gifts to someone struggling. This is the necklace. Not sure if anyone is familiar with the story here, but it does have a little background in the description of the necklace. Is it silly to buy this for myself? I feel like this is my personal struggle, and so it would be okay to buy myself a reminder of what I am working towards, for when I am discouraged. While hubby knows he wants a kid, and I can't easily give him one, I feel like he would be more content to go childless, or even just wait a long time and adopt. We are not on the same emotional level with this I feel. Sometimes he says something that absolutely makes me feel he is with me and is sad for our potential failure to conceive. Then some days it seems he is unfazed. Possibly because I am the reason, I am the failing one. That is why I am so obsessive.
Anyhow, I feel a little more positive about my situation today. Maybe I am riding a high from feeling the healthiest I've felt in a long time, or maybe a little support from friends really does go a long way.

Thank you
everyone.
I needed today.

BFN, baby dreams, and silly ring tests.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this, and if I am that's okay I will share it anyways. About every 3-6 months I buy a pregnancy test and take it, of course getting the same sad result. I used to brush it off a little, because a positive would mean way scarier things than a negative. Motherhood, giving up my freedom, no more late nights out, no drinking, smoking, "living large" Ha! Living large in central Ohio, not possible. I'm not even near the big central cities- nope the closest place to me is Marion Ohio, and it's a junky town.

Anyhow,
Today was one of those pregnancy test days. One of the first times I literally wanted it to be positive with no second thoughts about how scary life would be if it were. I had a dream last night about being pregnant, like full blown going into labor soon pregnant. I woke up feeling so satisfied with life, until I realized it was all a dream. This goes without saying but, I did get a BFN, obviously.

In my family we used to do this "ring test" thingy where you would tie a piece of string to a wedding band and hang it over your belly and it would tell you how many and what gender your kids will be. It has always been eerily correct for my family. It even counted miscarriages; and even more strange my mom raised my nephew for a while and it counted him as her fourth child. It had always done 3 girls for her (me and my two older sisters) then randomly after she started raising him it said 3 girls, 1 boy! Weird right?

Know what my ring test says? 4 kids! 2 girls and 2 boys. I hate to tell this dumb ring thing, but it can't possibly be right for me lol. A) I don't want that many children. I would be perfectly content with only 1, maybe 2. But certainly not 4. And B) I'm already 25 with no sign of improving my fertility. People with POF are extremely lucky to have 1, let alone any more than that. So yes ring test, you have been proven a fake! Even if you were spot on for everyone else!  

I see people content with going the DE route, I could never do that. Not because I am against raising a child not biologically my own, but because there are so many children out there already that need homes. Adoption would be my preferred method if all else fails. I would love the feeling of being pregnant, but I feel like I'd love the feeling of being a mom more, and that can be achieved through adoption. If I am going to raise a child not genetically mine, I'd want it to be one who absolutely needs a forever home and isn't the desirable age to adopt. I'm talking like 6 years old and up. A challenge, but one I'd take on full force. Even if I do conceive ever, I honestly think I would adopt later down the road anyhow. So maybe that's my 4 kids huh? lol

Time for work.
Good day vibes!
I hope

My phone is being dumb!

I feel like my phone randomly decided to delete a post and then tried reposting it...who knows. Technology!  What a pain in the ass

Now that I am on my computer it does show a deleted post :( That bums be out because that was a part of my journey and now it's not there! And it even had some comments on it.

Oh well!
Spilled milk
:)