I purchased DHEA today from my local GNC, I took one and then did some more research on them and feel concerned. They say not to take them on your own without a doctor and without some kind of a plan to switch to another treatment. I figure it's not going to kill me, so I will keep taking them. But, I read somewhere that taking them can make things worse if it's not really needed. It's been some time since I knew what any of my levels were, maybe I shouldn't take it until I see a doctor again. That could be a while though...and any success from taking DHEA has been over several months anyhow.
Risk.
Is it ever worth it?
I think yes.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Maybe next year....blah blah blah
First of all, I am wondering if anyone is reading my blog? I'm not sure how to get readers but I'd certainly like some so that I don't feel like I m venting to open space...which I suppose isn't that bad in reality lol. But, it would just be nice to feel I'm reaching someone with my thoughts. I don't know....Anyhow, moving on.
Happy Easter.
Hubby Dearest brought me home a surprise Easter basket of my favorite candies. (he's so cute! he may not see it, but he would be a great dad) He knows I am on a super strict diet for controlling my blood sugar because I refuse to end up on medication like my mother, no way no how! But- he says live a little! That's when I realized that's something I'm not doing...I'm hardly living at all. I breathe, eat, drink, sleep, use the bathroom...the basic necessities of life -is anyone else singing the bear necessities song in their head right now? No, just me? Okay :)- I am consumed by infertility. I think about it constantly. I am working, I think about it. I am trying to write a paper for school, I'm thinking about it. I am not a good employee, I'm a miserable failure as a student, and honestly I feel like an awful wife for not being able to simply say "yeah babes, we will have no problem making a baby! Lets start tonight ;)" My sex drive is practically nonexistent, an extremely unfortunate side effect of my POF, considering a stork doesn't bring the babies in real life!
I love my mother in law, she is just the sweetest women alive. I really hit gold when I got her, and often we are closer than my own mother and I are. She went to the OBGYN with me when I got diagnosed with POF 2 years ago, and while she wasn't in the room with me I did come out and share some things with her. Much like my hubby she thinks there is a chance. I'm not sure either of them quite grasp how low the odds really are. She says to me "you need to get working on having a baby! The sooner the better, I want to be a granny!" I would love to make her a granny (I hate that term but whatever!) She said to me today "maybe next year we will have a little addition to the family for Easter!" I had to walk out of the room, I can't handle that.
I've decided to get serious about TTC, I want to try DHEA, which has shown some positive results for some people with POF. The side effects really don't seem like something I want to deal with though. I am already a rather hairy woman, and while I still sound like I am 12, I don't really want my voice to deepen, and some people said their hair fell out. I already shed like a dog because of my thyroid. I have some health issues I need to address before making my body a good place for a baby to grow, but overall I am not that unhealthy. Maybe someday I will have a success story too and I can join the happy 5%-10% of women who get pregnant with POF.
Anyone know a good place to buy this particular supplement?
I've finally chosen to take some action, but I can't help but feel this will all be for nothing. Maybe the people at work were right, I am setting myself up for a failure I can't handle. But the way I see it, I'm already failing that's the whole point; what's it going to hurt to try a little harder?
Happy Easter.
Hubby Dearest brought me home a surprise Easter basket of my favorite candies. (he's so cute! he may not see it, but he would be a great dad) He knows I am on a super strict diet for controlling my blood sugar because I refuse to end up on medication like my mother, no way no how! But- he says live a little! That's when I realized that's something I'm not doing...I'm hardly living at all. I breathe, eat, drink, sleep, use the bathroom...the basic necessities of life -is anyone else singing the bear necessities song in their head right now? No, just me? Okay :)- I am consumed by infertility. I think about it constantly. I am working, I think about it. I am trying to write a paper for school, I'm thinking about it. I am not a good employee, I'm a miserable failure as a student, and honestly I feel like an awful wife for not being able to simply say "yeah babes, we will have no problem making a baby! Lets start tonight ;)" My sex drive is practically nonexistent, an extremely unfortunate side effect of my POF, considering a stork doesn't bring the babies in real life!
I love my mother in law, she is just the sweetest women alive. I really hit gold when I got her, and often we are closer than my own mother and I are. She went to the OBGYN with me when I got diagnosed with POF 2 years ago, and while she wasn't in the room with me I did come out and share some things with her. Much like my hubby she thinks there is a chance. I'm not sure either of them quite grasp how low the odds really are. She says to me "you need to get working on having a baby! The sooner the better, I want to be a granny!" I would love to make her a granny (I hate that term but whatever!) She said to me today "maybe next year we will have a little addition to the family for Easter!" I had to walk out of the room, I can't handle that.
I've decided to get serious about TTC, I want to try DHEA, which has shown some positive results for some people with POF. The side effects really don't seem like something I want to deal with though. I am already a rather hairy woman, and while I still sound like I am 12, I don't really want my voice to deepen, and some people said their hair fell out. I already shed like a dog because of my thyroid. I have some health issues I need to address before making my body a good place for a baby to grow, but overall I am not that unhealthy. Maybe someday I will have a success story too and I can join the happy 5%-10% of women who get pregnant with POF.
Anyone know a good place to buy this particular supplement?
I've finally chosen to take some action, but I can't help but feel this will all be for nothing. Maybe the people at work were right, I am setting myself up for a failure I can't handle. But the way I see it, I'm already failing that's the whole point; what's it going to hurt to try a little harder?
Saturday, March 30, 2013
My big mouth...
Well tonight at my job I made the mistake of mentioning that I was thinking of TTC. There are a select few that know my problem, and many more that do not. There were shrieks of excitement followed by "oh ...my name... I am so happy you will have a baby in no time blah blah blah"... and those that know my condition cringed and asked if I really thought it was a good idea to even try cause I would be let down. Uh...OUCH! that.was.fucking.harsh ....
That's all
Selfish, crazy, need therapy?
I suppose a little lot more background will go into this post. Here goes.
Like I said, I was diagnosed with POF at the age of 23, that was two years ago. When I got the diagnosis my now husband and I had only been dating for two years and honestly had not discussed kids much. I always wanted kids most of my childhood and then I grew up and decided I didn't need a family. I wasn't going to get married, and I wasn't going to have kids. That was the plan.
Well I got married, so that ruined part of it right? lol (I lovelovelove my husband)
Anyhow, so when I got told I was infertile I was like okay no big deal....I didn't want kids anyhow. Boy was I wrong about how big of a deal it really was. My husband knows we can't have kids, and he is still okay with it because he doesn't want any right now. The key words, and everyone will agree, are right now. Problem there, right now is not a mind frame we can be in, it is more like never ever.
I came home from the OBGYN that day with a referral to an RE, I never went. Still to this day I have not gone back to the doctor at all, for anything. I don't take birth control, I don't do HRT, no "hey little lady parts start working again" medicine. All I do take is 1200 mg of calcium for my bones, and a yummy gummy vitamin for women! I had some other health concerns that day so I do try to follow a low carb/low sugar diet, my blodd sugar was a little out of whack and my thyroid is beyond crazy. I knew that from when I was 18, I was put on 125mcg's of some thyroid medicine (yeah in case you're wondering that is a high dose, I started out on 25) I just wish that doctor had been more thorough back then. I wish he would have noticed my small ovaries meant something, the girl that did my ultrasound even said it was strange I had NO FOLLICLES! (at 18 I had zip-zero-nada follies, that's sad) Really....
I'm sure I should get back into the OB to figure some things out, or maybe break down and see the RE, but there is a little thing called insurance that I am currently lacking, and IF is not an inexpensive thing to treat.
That all leads me to now, I have not had a visit from flow in a year or maybe even longer. My emotions are every where, night sweats, hot flashes/flushes whatever...awful junk. Then randomly last week my hubby decided to say something along these lines "well I can't lie babe, sometimes I feel it would be easier if we had a kid now. Now that I am 30, I feel like it's something I could warm up to." Okay hubby, you're great, but really? I haven't talked to him about this much at all really, he doesn't know anything about POF, how impossible it is for me to have children, and how much pain I am currently going through over all of this. So I guess I can't blame the guy. He just assumes it will be easier now then later, not really the case dear.
When did the emotional train ride begin? When my friend lost her baby sometime last year her and I got very close and I confided in her about me not being able to have children and that sometimes it was difficult to think about because once you get told you can't it is no longer a choice. and that is hard. it was always just that I didn't want them. Well, she became pregnant again about 6 months after she lost her daughter. Sweet thing didn't even want to tell me she was pregnant, but she did, and she asked me to be the god mother. I of course was over the moon for her; but then things took a bad turn for me. It is selfish isn't it? Being angry that someone is pregnant and doing well after she had lost her first baby? It's more then selfish it is terrible, makes me a miserably bad person! I love her to pieces, I am so excited for her, I just got her baby shower girft in the mail and it made me burst into tears...but I'm happy for her, aren't I?
I didn't expect this to be so difficult. I really need to talk this stuff out with my husband. I just can't.
Like I said, I was diagnosed with POF at the age of 23, that was two years ago. When I got the diagnosis my now husband and I had only been dating for two years and honestly had not discussed kids much. I always wanted kids most of my childhood and then I grew up and decided I didn't need a family. I wasn't going to get married, and I wasn't going to have kids. That was the plan.
Well I got married, so that ruined part of it right? lol (I lovelovelove my husband)
Anyhow, so when I got told I was infertile I was like okay no big deal....I didn't want kids anyhow. Boy was I wrong about how big of a deal it really was. My husband knows we can't have kids, and he is still okay with it because he doesn't want any right now. The key words, and everyone will agree, are right now. Problem there, right now is not a mind frame we can be in, it is more like never ever.
I came home from the OBGYN that day with a referral to an RE, I never went. Still to this day I have not gone back to the doctor at all, for anything. I don't take birth control, I don't do HRT, no "hey little lady parts start working again" medicine. All I do take is 1200 mg of calcium for my bones, and a yummy gummy vitamin for women! I had some other health concerns that day so I do try to follow a low carb/low sugar diet, my blodd sugar was a little out of whack and my thyroid is beyond crazy. I knew that from when I was 18, I was put on 125mcg's of some thyroid medicine (yeah in case you're wondering that is a high dose, I started out on 25) I just wish that doctor had been more thorough back then. I wish he would have noticed my small ovaries meant something, the girl that did my ultrasound even said it was strange I had NO FOLLICLES! (at 18 I had zip-zero-nada follies, that's sad) Really....
I'm sure I should get back into the OB to figure some things out, or maybe break down and see the RE, but there is a little thing called insurance that I am currently lacking, and IF is not an inexpensive thing to treat.
That all leads me to now, I have not had a visit from flow in a year or maybe even longer. My emotions are every where, night sweats, hot flashes/flushes whatever...awful junk. Then randomly last week my hubby decided to say something along these lines "well I can't lie babe, sometimes I feel it would be easier if we had a kid now. Now that I am 30, I feel like it's something I could warm up to." Okay hubby, you're great, but really? I haven't talked to him about this much at all really, he doesn't know anything about POF, how impossible it is for me to have children, and how much pain I am currently going through over all of this. So I guess I can't blame the guy. He just assumes it will be easier now then later, not really the case dear.
When did the emotional train ride begin? When my friend lost her baby sometime last year her and I got very close and I confided in her about me not being able to have children and that sometimes it was difficult to think about because once you get told you can't it is no longer a choice. and that is hard. it was always just that I didn't want them. Well, she became pregnant again about 6 months after she lost her daughter. Sweet thing didn't even want to tell me she was pregnant, but she did, and she asked me to be the god mother. I of course was over the moon for her; but then things took a bad turn for me. It is selfish isn't it? Being angry that someone is pregnant and doing well after she had lost her first baby? It's more then selfish it is terrible, makes me a miserably bad person! I love her to pieces, I am so excited for her, I just got her baby shower girft in the mail and it made me burst into tears...but I'm happy for her, aren't I?
I didn't expect this to be so difficult. I really need to talk this stuff out with my husband. I just can't.
Friday, March 29, 2013
intruduction to my broken parts
I recently stumbled across this blog while doing some Google searches. After finding it, reading every single heart felt post, and literally crying for hours (I cried when I read it, cried when I thought about reading it,and cried when I saw her baby bump) I decided I needed to write my own- whether anyone read it or not it would make me feel better! Maybe...I can assure you this post will end up being way too long. Sorry :)
Background:
I am 25 years old, I've been married now for almost 6 months.
My husband is 29.
We live in some miserable small town in Ohio,
I am currently a late bloomer on the attending college front, which is stressing me out!
&& to get to the point behind me writing this blog; I have POF (premature ovarian failure). My case is strange to say the least. On my own I have determined I have always had POF, from day 1. I know that sounds dramatic, but it just makes since to me.
Background of broken lady parts:
***This will get graphic, I apologize in advance***
Aunt flow first visited me in 4th grade, actually on my birthday that year. (I really can't remember my age but it was too young I'll tell ya that!) I had been educated on monthly cycles and all that fun jazz about being a girl. My mom told me her story about being hit with a softball and then starting her period the next day and being scared the softball had done damage to her internally (so cute, my mom!) So I expected it to be a little "scary". That didn't even begin to explain my first period. More like terrifying, horrific, mortifying! I told no one about it because it just didn't seem normal to me and I was embarrassed.
Here is the nitty gritty.... My first period lasted 10 days. I was in constant agonizing pain, and the heaviness of this flow was just beyond anything I had imagined. It was like a horror movie, like someone had literally stabbed my vagina and I was gushing from the stab wound. I promise you (sorry) there were blood clots the size of quarters, I'd wipe myself after using the restroom and I'd have blood all over my hands. I was in 4th grade!!!!! This was awful. Then, after those 10 days, I did not have another period until exactly 1 year later. And it was exactly the same. Through my youth they got a little more regulated but not really, and they consistently were heavy heavy heavy! Eventually I was on BC, which helped a whole lot. I never told anyone there was something wrong until I was 17 or so, and mom and I assumed I had PCOS. I had my first ultrasound of my ovaries at 18. My ovaries had no cysts to my surprise, but were very tiny. I heard nothing about my follicles at that time. I brushed it off and kept on my normal BC for a few years.
My point, POF since day 1, seems a little more reasonable after that story I think. Here I am at 25, (diagnosed at 23 btw) thinking "maybe if I had done something sooner...baby would be here." But honestly, with my history, I don't see that as being true. I believe out of the 5-10% chance of conceiving naturally, mine is negative 100%. That never bothered me until recently. Everyone.is.having.a.damn.baby.BUT.ME. I've started to lose the grip I thought I had on my emotions at this point. Hence this blog. I might just write two times a day, who knows. I suppose this is all for now though.
Background:
I am 25 years old, I've been married now for almost 6 months.
My husband is 29.
We live in some miserable small town in Ohio,
I am currently a late bloomer on the attending college front, which is stressing me out!
&& to get to the point behind me writing this blog; I have POF (premature ovarian failure). My case is strange to say the least. On my own I have determined I have always had POF, from day 1. I know that sounds dramatic, but it just makes since to me.
Background of broken lady parts:
***This will get graphic, I apologize in advance***
Aunt flow first visited me in 4th grade, actually on my birthday that year. (I really can't remember my age but it was too young I'll tell ya that!) I had been educated on monthly cycles and all that fun jazz about being a girl. My mom told me her story about being hit with a softball and then starting her period the next day and being scared the softball had done damage to her internally (so cute, my mom!) So I expected it to be a little "scary". That didn't even begin to explain my first period. More like terrifying, horrific, mortifying! I told no one about it because it just didn't seem normal to me and I was embarrassed.
Here is the nitty gritty.... My first period lasted 10 days. I was in constant agonizing pain, and the heaviness of this flow was just beyond anything I had imagined. It was like a horror movie, like someone had literally stabbed my vagina and I was gushing from the stab wound. I promise you (sorry) there were blood clots the size of quarters, I'd wipe myself after using the restroom and I'd have blood all over my hands. I was in 4th grade!!!!! This was awful. Then, after those 10 days, I did not have another period until exactly 1 year later. And it was exactly the same. Through my youth they got a little more regulated but not really, and they consistently were heavy heavy heavy! Eventually I was on BC, which helped a whole lot. I never told anyone there was something wrong until I was 17 or so, and mom and I assumed I had PCOS. I had my first ultrasound of my ovaries at 18. My ovaries had no cysts to my surprise, but were very tiny. I heard nothing about my follicles at that time. I brushed it off and kept on my normal BC for a few years.
My point, POF since day 1, seems a little more reasonable after that story I think. Here I am at 25, (diagnosed at 23 btw) thinking "maybe if I had done something sooner...baby would be here." But honestly, with my history, I don't see that as being true. I believe out of the 5-10% chance of conceiving naturally, mine is negative 100%. That never bothered me until recently. Everyone.is.having.a.damn.baby.BUT.ME. I've started to lose the grip I thought I had on my emotions at this point. Hence this blog. I might just write two times a day, who knows. I suppose this is all for now though.
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