Is infertility seriously ruining my marriage? WTF!

I decided today that my TTC journey, while emotionally up and down, has not been nearly as devastating as other blogs I read. I've never gotten pregnant, never gotten my hopes up, never saw the BFP test result- but I've also never lost a pregnancy after trying so long and finally feeling like the wait was over. I wouldn't wish that on anyone in the world. With that being said though, I still can't help but feel like my life is miserably incomplete. I get so angry when I find out people are pregnant, infertility has made me a bitter hag, but regardless of that I know every woman deserves to be a mother if that's what she wants.

A fellow employee recently found out she was pregnant. I don't know her well (or her boy friend that also works with us) but she is young, and the pregnancy was unexpected. Today she was sent home from work early due to her morning sickness. For reasons no one there really knows, I got all emotional and grumpy because I would do anything for a little morning sickness. That sounds weird doesn't it? But I think anyone TTC would understand. Of course being sick all the time is awful! lol But the reasoning behind it would certainly be welcomed by myself and many other women out there.

Emotionally I am so far down I don't see a way back up, ever. Hubby and I are fighting constantly. I read an article on how to NOT let infertility ruin your marriage-well it didn't do me much good. I have so much on my mind. Every second of the day is consumed with babies, money, moving, and putting together the pieces of a marriage I'm not even sure is repairable at this point. A friend told me, maybe we're not having a baby because it's just not meant to be between us (since we are so unhappy right now). I suppose that could be true but the issue there is that we were always so happy until all of this started. So I don't believe that is true. All of the stress, and always keeping my feelings to myself just got too much to handle. When I had a small meltdown and hubby said he didn't want kids anyways, well that was when things started to go down hill. I just wish I could go back to 2011 and just forget I was ever told I couldn't have kids. Before it was a reality to me that it was likely never going to happen, it just didn't bother me. Doesn't mean I was oblivious, I always knew, but it wasn't official ya' know. Maybe that's stupid. I just never thought about it in such a doomsday mentality. Now, and every day for the rest of my life, all I will ever think about is not being able to get pregnant.

I have so little hope left I just don't see the point in saying I'm trying...because I suppose I'm not anymore. I'm just going through the motions of life, not even having a flicker of "maybe someday". I've settled on never, && that's a hell of a lonely and depressing place to be.

hubby dropped a bomb on me this week.

well I skipped the provera this month and while I feel like AF could happen on it's own I'm not really sure. It worked both months I took it, like clock work- 3 days after stopping the 10 day supply I started. But I really hate how they make me feel. I'm honestly not used to the hormones of a monthly. I mean, I have mood swings all the time, but AF makes me a crazy woman lol. Poor hubby can't even handle me! I'm not supposed to go back to the OB for another couple of months- but I've been wanting to talk to her about trying Clomid, even if i dont expect it to work. she mentioned it to me last time i was there. I've experiencing a lot of pain in my right pelvic/ovary area. I'm assuming it's a cyst, thats what it feels like to me. I just hate not having a normal functional reproductive system...it's just such a hassle. Life in general is a pain in the ass!
I changed jobs again for the millionth time this year...thats basically why I didn't take the provera- I wanted to avoid a period this month with all of the changes, I just wasn't feeling it lol! With my luck I will have one anyhow! I was doing really well, not really thinking about having a baby, not obsessing about my broken lady parts...just living. That is until 2 days ago- hubby said he doesn't want kids anymore. That broke my heart! I don't know when him and I got on different pages. It's like we aren't even in the same universe! He says it's just not important to him anymore and that after all the waiting around he's decided it's for the best...he doesn't want to be a dad. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom. there were plenty of times I said I didn't want them because it was just easier than admitting I couldn't have them. But damn- I've always dreamt about being a mom. Of course in my dreams it's a beautiful little baby girl with dark curly hair and big brown eyes, but I'd take an adorable little boy too! I cried that night, thinking that I failed as a woman- that I made him have to wait so long to be a dad that he just stopped caring.
I just feel really defeated right now :/