holidays are a drag for those of us TTC

Okay so AF is done, it lasted about 5-6 days and it was really normal, I was expecting it to be really heavy and intense because it's been so long....but to my surprise it was bearable lol! No complaints there. I know provera doesn't make you ovulate, but with that in mind I am Still hoping I will. I mean, there are some cases where women get pregnant while taking provera....a girl can dream right? But regardless of my dreaming, I am not expecting that type of outcome, so I can't be let down. That's honestly how I have grown to look at this whole thing- not positively or negatively really, just no expectations, no let downs. It makes life a little easier. In the end of course I know what outcome I would prefer-but I can't make myself sick and miserable over it. This is just the journey, I have no clue what the end will be-but I know one way or another (whether DE, or adoption) I will be a mother. So yeah, the outcome will be positive either way. I am discouraged too often in life, with jobs and not having the ideal home, and driving a piece of shit car lol! I can't get discouraged about having a family. That just leads to a lot of trickle down, making everything else feel that much more unmanageable.

Spring is here in Ohio (sorta cause it snowed yesterday, wtf?) and of course I am thinking of Easter and Mothers Day. Two holidays I tend to dread for rather obvious reasons. Last year my sweet mother in law mentioned maybe next year we would have a baby by Easter. I remember writing a post about this- I was such a wreck, and when I went back and reread the post I was still a bit of a wreck because obviously there is no baby...So to anyone wondering if I have just turned the sadness off, no I haven't. That is just impossible. I had a funeral to attend earlier this week(my husbands side) and everyone kept asking us/me about children. I tried to brush it off as much as I could, but it got really old really fast. I wish there was a sign on my forehead that read "whatever you do, don't ask me about babies!" lol But of course we all know they'd still ask! :P You can only laugh and say "oh well, not yet, but maybe someday" so many times before eventually spitting out some obnoxious word vomit about not being able to have children...then of course comes the typical "oh honey, prayer cures everything" or "just relax..." comments we've all heard a million times. A year ago I would have walked out and had a mini meltdown in the car and tried to cover my smudged makeup so no one could tell I was a mess...But that day I handled myself well and just kept smiling and trying to change the subject. I've done a lot of changing and a lot of growing this past year or so. It's not all been for the best certainly, I have hardened myself to an extent that I'm not sure I will come back from- but for the most part, I've made leaps and bounds over my attitude and depression. I'm definitely less bitter, though today at work I saw someone I couldn't stand and she was pregnant- on the drive home I was rambling about it to myself. I started to say "another undeserving woman having a baby... blah blah blah..." but honestly I can't wish this on anyone, so who am I to say she shouldn't have a baby? It just sucks that's all! Lol

I don't know, I'm sure I will hear million more"maybe this time next year you'll be a mom" comments and "anxious to be a grandparent" speech- and maybe just maybe I will be able to go back and tell these people they were right. But until then I will just keep trying. That's all I can do :)

Hello AF! Provera and POF? Has it worked for anyone else?

Well, again it has been a long time since I posted! Lifes been up and down, round and round...just kinda hectic. Started yet another job-actually I went through a couple this winter. It was kind of a shitty time for a couple months! Worst winter ever! But that's another blog lol. I started seeing a new OB, she is no RE, but she is really smart and really open minded. She did some blood work and such, but she was convinced I was misdiagnosed with POF. She is convinced I have PCOS instead-which I always thought I had until I was told I had POF. She put me on Provera to attempt to bring on a period. I was a bit rude to her because everything she was doing was supporting her theory of what was wrong with me. I told her I would take the Provera just to prove her wrong (lol doctors just love me btw, I am such a cooperative patient). I have always heard, and read, that if provera doesn't induce a period that you may have pof, so I told her when it didn't work I would call her and let her know that she was wrong. She did some blood work, she said she would run the labs for pof, but I never heard back about it. Her office called back and was concerned with my thyroid levels, and asked me to come in for more labs and referred me to an endocrinologist. I haven't met with her yet, I go on the 28th. My OB said that a lot of my problems could stem from my thyroid level and that when I got that under control she would run more tests. Thats all I heard about that. I was starting to get pissy about my OB- thinking I got stuck with another Dr that didn't know crap about what was wrong with me. I've had a miserable case of me knowing more about pof than the DRs I've been seeing about it. So needless to say I was bitter and snippy about the provera- but alas, I must now eat my own words because it actually worked! I am currently visiting AF!!! It has been well over a year, probably closer to two years, since AF has been around. The only time I ever have a period is when I'm on BC, so when I went off of it three years ago, I dont know if I ever had another one honestly. So imagine my surprise when I started spotting and it gradually turned into a normal flow. So now I don't really know what to think. I'm not ready to start agreeing with her about being misdiagnosed with POF. I've not really found anything about provera 100% NOT working for someone with POF, so in my mind I could just be one of the people it works for. But either way, I am excited that it brought on AF, I never thought I'd see her again lol!

Hopefully I can get my thyroid under control and go back to my OB with some kind of good news. She gave me a three month supply of the provera, and wants to see me back in six months to see how the progress is coming along. She said something about trying Clomid- which of course I do not expect to work. But hell, I would probably try anything, especially since she was at least right about the provera working for me.

Anyhow, I will probably be writing a bit more to report any and all small successes. Here's hoping I get a step closer to figuring all this mess out, and a step closer to a BFP. :)