Well I haven't written in a while, I am honestly trying to avoid this place. The one thing I thought would make me feel better was writing, well now it has proven to only make things worse. Reading the words "I'm pregnant" make me cringe. I'm happy for this individual because I know her struggle has been long and difficult, but shit, it's hard....
I have just decided to give up trying to have a child. I've seen persistence pay off for many people, but I just simply do not see it working for me. Trying only makes me more depressed. I simply can't care that much about something that hurts me. I want to go back to two years ago when it didn't phase me that I couldn't have kids. Or better yet, I want to never find out. That's why I'm not going to the doctor, that's why I'm not doing a bunch of dumb tests...I just don't want to know what else is wrong with me. I keep having period cramps, but no period, increased cm, but no ovulation, negative pregnancy tests, and added stress at work, it's all just too much to think about at once.
My friend is a few weeks away from giving birth to her son (my god son). I feel so bad because she is a bundle of happiness and jitters. She wants to talk to me about her concerns, how scared she is about being a mom- but I simply don't want to hear it. Those feelings are all I've been craving for the last 3 months, every single day. I did an awareness paper on Oprah for my finals a while back. In my research Oprah discussed not wanting to be a mom because she didn't think she would be a good parent because of how her mom was with her as a child. I relate to this. The more I think about it the more I realize I would be a terrible mother. I would end up just like my mom...Don't get me wrong I love my mom more than the world, but we certainly were not always close. I believe I'm not meant to have kids because I would fuck them up. I don't want my genetic make-up out there in the world for another generation to have to deal with. It just makes sense now.
I don't think I will be posting again. Like I said it really doesn't help me as much as I was expecting it to. So, good luck to the bloggers I have come in contact with, and congrats to those of you who's hard work has paid off.
