A goodbye post

Well I haven't written in a while, I am honestly trying to avoid this place. The one thing I thought would make me feel better was writing, well now it has proven to only make things worse. Reading the words "I'm pregnant" make me cringe. I'm happy for this individual because I know her struggle has been long and difficult, but shit, it's hard....

I have just decided to give up trying to have a child. I've seen persistence pay off for many people, but I just simply do not see it working for me. Trying only makes me more depressed. I simply can't care that much about something that hurts me. I want to go back to two years ago when it didn't phase me that I couldn't have kids. Or better yet, I want to never find out. That's why I'm not going to the doctor, that's why I'm not doing a bunch of dumb tests...I just don't want to know what else is wrong with me. I keep having period cramps, but no period, increased cm, but no ovulation, negative pregnancy tests, and added stress at work, it's all just too much to think about at once.

My friend is a few weeks away from giving birth to her son (my god son). I feel so bad because she is a  bundle of happiness and jitters. She wants to talk to me about her concerns, how scared she is about being a mom- but I simply don't want to hear it. Those feelings are all I've been craving for the last 3 months, every single day. I did an awareness paper on Oprah for my finals a while back. In my research Oprah discussed not wanting to be a mom because she didn't think she would be a good parent because of how her mom was with her as a child. I relate to this. The more I think about it the more I realize I would be a terrible mother. I would end up just like my mom...Don't get me wrong I love my mom more than the world, but we certainly were not always close. I believe I'm not meant to have kids because I would fuck them up. I don't want my genetic make-up out there in the world for another generation to have to deal with. It just makes sense now.

I don't think I will be posting again. Like I said it really doesn't help me as much as I was expecting it to. So, good luck to the bloggers I have come in contact with, and congrats to those of you who's hard work has paid off.

The search for a good RE in Ohio...Seems like a waste of time!

Well, I haven't felt like posting in a while. My last post was just a mess of emotions boiling over. I haven't really talked to anyone lately, I just decided keeping to myself was the best idea for keeping sanity!

I went away over the weekend to my home town and stayed with my mom. I hadn't seen her in a couple months. We've always had a strange relationship, but no matter how much I say I don't need her it's obvious I do. She's my mom, my best friend! She didn't really know a whole lot about my IF problem. She also didn't know I was TTC, last she knew I was content with not having children. So of course it came as a shock to her that I was such a wreck about having POF now. She said she is set on finding me a good Dr. up in Northern Ohio (where I am from) because I am having trouble down here. The OBGYN that gave me the stats on POF did recommend a RE, but my insurance ran out before I could get to see her. So maybe as soon as I get my new insurance I will go back in and try to see her, though I owe the office some money. So I'm not sure when I will see a RE. I've only talked to one through this whole process and ended up with the same sad story as everyone else. Medical professionals can be so cold sometimes. You would think someone dealing with patients suffering from IF would have more of a heart. Guess not.

I've been taking that DHEA now for almost a month. I haven't noticed side effects but then hubby says I am really irritable since taking it, but I can't say that has anymore to do with DHEA than it does my overall quality of life right now. I have been noticing I started breaking out, which is something I have never had to deal with in my life. My skin has always been perfect. So I don't really know if it's doing anything good for me or if it is making me feel worse. I am going to give it more time,

Sometimes I wonder if I really have POF, there are symptoms I have that I've never read about anyone else having. Then I get scared because the alternatives aren't great either and I know some of these things are not at all an option for what's wrong (specifically STD's). I constantly feel pressure in my lower abdomen, I always say it's my ovaries letting me know they hate me lol. Sometimes I experience sharp pains in my vagina. Someone told me to look into PID (pelvic inflammatory disease) but it is commonly caused by a bacterial STD like gonorrhea and chlamydia and I have never had either of those. My ultrasounds have never shown and cysts, and honestly I just can't figure it out. It kinda feels like period pains, cramps and the sharp jabs I used to get during my menstrual cycle. But I never have a period, and I've never really noticed any pattern or regularity with the pain, it's kind of all the time. Suppose I need to discuss this with the doctor when I go. Ovarian cancer runs in my family, and lots of other ovarian related issues, my poor family got the shit end of that stick. It makes me nervous. I just don't want to deal with any more heartless doctors. That's half the reason I played it off like I didn't want kids, because the struggle to conceive while having to deal with asshole doctors just sounds miserable.

Oh well.

Overwhelming sadness and anger...what next?

I'm in bed...at 1 in the afternoon... depression has seriously taken over my life. I can't sleep at night. My thoughts swarm like a bunch of killer bees, attacking my brain, removing any thoughts that could possibly seem hopeful or even slightly happy. I have told only 5 people about TTC, none of which are my family. I don't want to disappoint them. One of those people is having a hard time in her life right now also and we simply have the attitude of "IDGAF" right now. In case you can't figure that out...we really just don't care about anything. It's so difficult to pretend I am doing okay right now. Every thought is negative, I am screaming inside for answers no one can give me. My friend says only time can answer my questions,  but what do you do when time is running out? I look at my journey to motherhood as a lost cause; in my mind I see an hour glass I can't flip over to restart the time...once it's done, time is just lost. Everyone I come across has such strong faith in God, I will be 100% honest and say I do not share in that faith. No one can tell me that God is at work in my life right now, no one knows my personal battles with Him. I have struggled with whether or not he exist my whole life, and now it's even harder to believe he has a "plan" for my infertility ... seriously,  what does that even mean? I am not trying to dispute any ones faith, this is absolutely a very personal topic, everyone has their own relationship with who they view as the creator. I am not here to judge that and hope no one else reading this is either. I am simply angry with God or whoever is in charge. I'm angry that I sit by watching countless people in my family losing their children into the system because of drugs. I'm angry I have to hear about abortions being used like a method of birth control. I'm angry everyone around me gets to experience the one thing I want the most. I've never been more bitter in my life. I hate to say people are undeserving of motherhood because who am I to determine that? But I can't help but feel so many people take it for granted. I honestly don't know what makes me so unworthy of producing a child, I don't know what I ever did to end up one of the unfortunate souls to be cursed with IF. How does God decide what women get it and what women dont? I've never been the type to pray and I don't look at what I say as a prayer at all. I am yelling, talking, cursing, anything but praying. Is it so wrong to want answers? I had a woman tell me God didn't make me infertile ...well then who the hell did? Cause I certainly know it wasn't my choice and I didn't do anything to make my ovaries want to stop functioning! That was just one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. If you believe in God, and believe he created you, and knows your path from the very start...then how can you say he didn't make me infertile. That's like saying he didn't make me a girl...and at this point I feel about half a woman anyhow.

I told hubby last night I just wanted to feel like a normal woman. He told me he loved me regardless and that to him I was the perfect woman. I finally told him I was reading these blogs - but not about writing my own. He said he understood and didn't judge me about it. It hurts me to the very core of my soul to know I wont make this man a father. He never comes right out and says it, but I know he wants it. He has mentioned having a kid to share all his cool stuff with, and letting our kids watch scary movies and raising them on 80s and 90s cartoons lol. It makes me smile,  but breaks my heart at the same time.

I'm sorry I am such a drag
And sorry I am so miserable.
I don't want to feel this way,
You all know that right?
:/

How long is too long?

I am actively reading other bloggers posts about their IF journeys and sometimes this gives me strength to keep trying and other times it makes me feel worse about my situation. How these women can keep on trying for all these years is beyond me. I simply do not understand how they can stay strong that long. I know for a fact I would not be able to do it, I can barely do it now. For the last two years hubby and I haven't been "trying" but we haven't been preventing either. I don't know if I include this in my TTC timeline or if I just start from last month when I got serious about having a baby. It's been a concern of mine for at least a year, so I suppose I will say I've been TTC for a little over one year. There's a blog I read where this woman has been trying for 10 years! Obviously she has struggled and still does, but she remains positive through it all, and here I am barely holding it together.

I am in between insurance companies right now, I was on my dad's insurance (where I could have remained until I was 26 had I not gotten married) and now the insurance my current job offers is awful and way to expensive for how cruddy it is. So I gathered up all of my pay stubs for the last month and I am headed for this clinic a couple towns over. They go off your income, and I know I will still pay a good amount but it's the only place that will take me without insurance. A good friend of mine suggested I go there, and it's the place that did my grandma's free cancer screening that found out she had ovarian cancer. So I trust them. I just don't know how much they can help me. It's only an OBGYN, but I did read on the website they offer some help with IF problems. So we will see I suppose. I need to set up an appointment, but I am nervous. I figure I will wait until after finals week.

I feel like I have completely lost my mind this week. There is a younger girl at my job that has been lying about a pregnancy for months now and it's close to her "due date" and she is quitting. I try not to say much about it when other staff members bring it to my attention that she is so obviously not pregnant, but last night it really got to me and I got fired up about it. I ran my mouth to a manager about how some of us can't have kids and that karma was gonna bite her in the ass and blah blah blah...I feel bad assuming someone would lie about this, but I absolutely feel it in my gut that she is. She's young, only about 18, and has had a hard year....but there's no excuse for this. I just want her to leave, be out of my sight so that I don't end up going off on her! I feel so angry around her that I literally feel like I could hit her...Who does something like this?

Anyhow, that's about all I have to say.

Quick post to occupy my time doing laundry :)

I am at my favorite place right now ...the laundry mat! Yeah, uh, not really it stinks coming here! The place we live in currently has no washer and dryer hook ups. Super lame.

Its storming out, I love it! I love the sound of thunder and I love rain! Only problem is I left the windows open at home and it is without a doubt raining in and scaring my poor cats! Oh well, I'm not going out in this just to shut the window. When I left it was fine, just cloudy lol.

I have finally decided to take a year off school and just focus on work and getting some stuff situated in life. I don't feel bad about this choice because I know it's what's best right now. I talked to hubby and he is fine with it. I have a decent job so its not like we aren't surviving. Yeah, I know what some people will say about me "giving up" but I'm okay with that too because I know I will go back and finish when I'm ready. Honestly I feel good about this, I don't look at it as I'm giving up, I am just taking an extended break to take care of some other things in life.

I ended up not ovulating. So that sucks. I've been taking this DHEA a couple weeks or so,  I know any good things that can happen from taking this don't just happen over night. So far I'm not having any side effects which is good! I'm not sure if I wrote about this or not, but we decided that if we don't have a baby in 4 years we will adopt. I honestly don't think I can keep trying that long...hopefully we wont have to!

Mood swings

Started an unexpected fight with  hubby tonight and then took off on a drive. I've lived in this part of Ohio for a few years but I honestly don't know my way around so needless to say I got lost on my drive in the country. Smart move. The truth is, I want nothing to do with anyone right now. I just want to run away.

Late after the baby shower when I was trying to sleep I ended up just laying there crying. I wanted hubby to know something was wrong and just walk in and save me. Stupid right? I don't want to have to say something is wrong because I simply don't want to say the words "I just want a damn baby!" In my head I was screaming profanity at 'God' and all I could do was cry for hours it seemed and hubby never knew. Maybe tonight that's why I got angrier than I normally would have when he says dumb guy stuff lol. That's a total crazy woman thing to do. Whatever

I'm writing this from the parking lot of a gas station I managed to find in the middle of no where. I know how to get home from here ...I just don't feel like going back yet. I made an ass of myself and he doesn't even know why I am so upset these last couple weeks. I had told him my friends baby shower was going to be depressing for me, his answer was to just not go then. I told him id be fine, just a little sad, so I was too embarrassed to really tell him how I felt. Worst part about all of this, I don't give him the chance to show how supportive he is, I just assume he wont know what to say to help me and keep it to myself. He's a great man, but has very little experience with relationships and sometimes I just don't give him enough credit.

Bleh, I wish I wasn't so crazy. Does this ever get any easier? Wow

Survived the baby shower

Quick post, today was friends baby shower and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I held my other friends 3 week old daughter the entire time I was there practically. I believe I mentioned her in my last post, saying insensitive dumb stuff. But today she was really sweet and told me I could hold her baby as long as I wanted because she knows how hard I felt today. All three of us are friends, and all three of us have had great emotional loss due to children. Their physical loss of a child is far different from my loss of fertility, but we all understand each other. It was nice honestly.

I am still riding on a high from holding that baby and loving that little girl! I don't feel sad for myself yet; I'm sure I will soon.

I love my
friends though

Always there
for each other!

<3